


Let Go of All of Our Ghosts

by Obsessivecompulsivereadr



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Michael is an unreliable narrator, POV Alternating, Unreliable Narrator, Violence, alex is an unreliable narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2020-06-22 09:11:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19664308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessivecompulsivereadr/pseuds/Obsessivecompulsivereadr
Summary: Update:  I hate when people add chapters just to say that a work is not going to be finished so I'm not doing that.  But after S2x6 episode, I'm very sure that I do not have the motivation or desire to finish this the way I wanted to at the beginning.I apologize.  If I ever write Malex again, it will most likely be an unpleasant experience for me.I have stopped watching the show, but I will be catching views of Alex and Forrest every now and then.  And I have a fix-it fic in mind.Something inside Michael had also often wondered if Alex had left on purpose, if what Michael had with Maria had been the final straw in convincing Alex to walk away for good.  But Liz cursed him out in Spanish when he’d suggested it, and Kyle angrily reminded him that Alex wouldn’t leave without telling Kyle and Liz goodbye, and without giving them any idea of why.The lack of Michael’s and Maria’s names being mentioned in the group of people Alex would contact if he was planning to leave wasn’t lost on anyone in the room.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have a rough idea of how many chapters, so tags and warnings will be updated as I go. The science and Air Force stuff will be handwavy because I'm a very tired person. That's the excuse I'm going with. 
> 
> There is a lot of info dumped into this first chapter so there's a lot of "tell" and less "show". But the show left a lot of loose ends that needed some kind of addressing before I could logically get to my starting point.

Alex looked so still and pale, and Michael couldn’t stop staring at him. 

He had been missing for weeks, with no one… not even Kyle, having an answer about what had happened or where he’d gone. They’d searched, caught up with his Air Force contacts, at least the ones that Maria and Valenti knew about, and Valenti had even arranged to wake Jesse Manes about a week into Alex’s disappearance, just to follow up on a lead. But they’d found nothing. They’d debated, as a group, on the merit of keeping Jesse awake, but before they’d been able to come to a decision on the matter, the man had escaped. 

Michael and Valenti had argued over it, had almost come to blows, but after being kicked in the ass by both Liz and Maria, they’d realized that fighting each other wasn’t going to find Alex. Isobel had tried to track him, using Michael as a catalyst in the same way she’d used Max to track Liz so many months ago, but she’d run into multiple dead ends. 

Max was still in the pod, and while Michael had been trying to divide his attention, it seemed, even if only to himself, that he’d chosen sides. He’d tried to both search for Alex and stay to help Liz resurrect Max, but all that did was slice him into versions of himself that he didn’t even recognize anymore. 

So, he _drank_. 

He couldn’t put all his energy into both, Maria had consoled him. He couldn’t keep flaying himself alive to bring Max back and wearing himself out to find Alex. He had to rest. He had to recharge, and Maria was always there to remind him, to cajole him into sleeping before he ran back to the lab again. He had to stop drinking, she kept suggesting, even while she stood behind the bar, sliding across each empty glass he asked for, with an arched brow followed by a look of disappointment. 

It was a look he was used to. 

He didn’t blame her… _wouldn’t_ blame her for the decisions that _he_ made, but he did often snort at the irony that the beautiful woman who provided his booze was yet another person telling him not to drink it anymore. She paired it with reminders that his drinking wasn’t going to help Max. That it wouldn’t help Michael, and that it wasn’t doing their relationship any favors. He ignored her suggestions just like he ignored Liz and Kyle when they started up.

Maria was worried about Alex too, but she would never say it out loud in front of him. He wondered at times if she felt like she didn’t have the right to ask about him. Michael knew _he_ didn’t have the right to worry about Alex anymore, but that didn’t stop him from inserting himself into the search, no matter how many arguments it caused.

By the time Alex had initially disappeared, he’d all but stopped talking to both Michael and Maria. Michael often wondered who that hurt more, but he wouldn’t talk about Alex with her, and she never pushed. Every time Valenti came by with an update on a lead, Maria watched him with guilt in her eyes and with her hand clenched tightly around her necklace. But she didn’t ask, as if mentioning his name after all this time would be the final straw in the rest of their dysfunctional “found” family falling apart around them. 

Though Isobel wanted him to stop drinking, and he knew she did because he could feel it when she connected with him, she never asked him to do it. She yelled about losing him and reminded him that Max needed him, but she never actually asked him to stop drinking. Not that he would have if she had, and maybe that was her whole point to begin with. He wouldn’t know.

So, he’d continued dividing his time between helping Liz in the lab and accompanying Kyle, but he’d reached a point where he couldn’t do it anymore. When he was so drunk that when Kyle arrived to pick him up to follow another lead, Valenti just shook his head and called Maria. 

He and Valenti had talked. Fought about it when Michael insisted on going. Valenti had told him he would have time to help both Max and Alex if he’d stop spending so much time drinking. 

Michael had hated admitting that Valenti was right, so he hadn’t. He just drank more. 

He did nothing but hate himself for not being able to save both Max and Alex, but he’d given in and chosen. Kyle, angry at him, if the clench of his jaw was any proof, told him that he understood. That resurrecting Max was important, too. 

But then he’d looked away with the kind of dismissal that Michael couldn’t swallow down.

Once upon a time, Michael had thought that he would tear apart the world for Alex Manes. 

But then when Alex had needed him to… Michael _hadn’t._

He’d looked Kyle in the eyes and reassured him that he couldn’t hate Michael any more than Michael hated himself. 

And then, he’d gone back to working on bringing Max back. And Kyle to finding Alex. 

Rosa joined in the search for Alex, while Liz focused on Max. 

Isobel stayed with Michael. Well, with Max. Isobel would always stay with Max.

Something inside Michael had also often wondered if Alex had left on purpose, if what Michael had with Maria had been the final straw in convincing Alex to walk away for good. But Liz cursed him out in Spanish when he’d suggested it, and Kyle angrily reminded him that Alex wouldn’t leave without telling Kyle and Liz goodbye, and without giving them any idea of why. 

The lack of Michael’s and Maria’s names being mentioned in the group of people Alex would contact if he was planning to leave wasn’t lost on anyone in the room. 

Then, four weeks into his disappearance, it turned out that Alex had found himself. 

Valenti’s call in the dead of night had led to Michael being shuffled around in transit for approximately thirty-six hours, and Alex still hadn’t woken up by the time he’d finally arrived. Valenti had called, said Alex had been in an accident but that nobody was giving him any details, and before Michael knew which end was up, he was being escorted by a few tight-lipped, grim-looking Airmen into a suspiciously secure facility that made Michael nervous. 

The only information he’d managed to get out of them on the way is that somewhere, in some file, Michael was listed as Alex’s emergency contact. One of the Airman had slipped and said “ _next of kin_ ” instead, which had triggered an icy spear of dread through him about why they’d needed him so quickly and about what kind of decisions might have to be made. 

He’d only seen Valenti so far, and nobody else would talk to him about Alex’s condition. Michael had slept a few hours in the stiff chair at Alex’s right side, which was the only side of him that didn’t look significantly injured. 

He hadn’t gotten up the courage to take Alex’s hand, because he was afraid that Alex wouldn’t welcome that once he woke up. Once he realized that they’d brought Michael to him.

Valenti slipped back inside the room and handed him a lukewarm cup. “Anybody come in yet?”

Michael shook his head and took a sip of the black coffee. It was horrible but better than nothing. He glanced up at Valenti in thanks, but the man just shrugged. If he was still angry with Michael, he wasn’t showing it.

Alex’s head was bandaged, and a section of the white gauze covered his left eye. Valenti had said it looked as if he’d received some damage to his eye but that he couldn’t be sure without removing the gauze and there was no way he would get away with that here. Alex was covered in bruises that began at his jawline and disappeared under the gown they’d put him in. His prosthesis was on the table behind Michael, so his right leg had blankets tucked in around it, while the left leg was in a cast from above the knee to the ankle. Michael couldn’t tell what was injured under the blankets, but Alex had so many monitors attached to him that Michael was nauseous at the sight of them. He imagined this was probably not unlike what had happened before, when he’d lost his leg, but Michael hadn’t been there then. 

“Why am I Next of Kin?” he asked softly as he stared at Alex’s quiet form.

“Emergency contact,” Valenti sighed and sat down on the other side of the bed. “Well, one of the reasons is that he doesn’t want anybody in his family to have that kind of power over him.” 

“Why wasn’t I called before then?”

“He didn’t have you listed during the last deployment, but he changed that months ago.”

Michael opened his mouth to ask why he hadn’t chosen Valenti for it, but the man interrupted.

“Look, I don’t feel comfortable telling you things that I think _he_ should tell you.”

Michael understood that. He doubted he would appreciate having either of his siblings spill his secrets to Alex if the tables were turned. Not that they would have needed to, because Alex had always been able to read him like a book. 

He wished Max was alive. He missed Max every single day, but it hurt just a little bit more to realize that the only one of them with healing powers, the only one who could help Alex right now, was the one still in the pod. Michael felt helpless, not allowed to leave and yet not able to do anything. And what good was telekinesis right now? It would do nothing to help Alex.

Valenti met his gaze, “He looks so pale.”

Michael nodded idly, “Do you have any idea what happened?”

“They said car accident, that he ran off the road and flipped at high speeds. But that’s not like Alex, and they stopped giving me any information after that. He was already in surgery by the time I got here.”

“They took the scenic route with me,” Michael said grimly. “This feels like it has Jesse Manes written all over it.” 

“Yeah, I got that vibe too,” Valenti agreed. 

“Nobody else is allowed in here at all?”

“No. To be honest, I’m not even sure why I’m allowed in here. I’m not listed as part of his family, and it feels odd that they’d just not ask me any questions at all about why I'm here.”

Michael agreed. “Who was it that called you?”

“Airman Barnes, I think. The tall blonde one.” 

“Has Alex ever mentioned him before?”

“No, but before he was discharged, he had a significant clearance level. But I don’t get why that applies now, when he’s discharged. He doesn’t have anything to do with the Air Force anymore.”

He did have something to do with Project Shepherd though. 

Michael stood and moved to the window. There was nothing to look at, because it was the dead of night and the only lighting came from a small parking area in the distance. 

“Alex is good at telling us only what he thinks we need to know,” Michael replied, and he leaned his hands on the frame to stare out of the window, because looking at Alex in his current state was something that Michael couldn’t handle. “Even if he could tell us, he wouldn’t.”

“Guerin, he’s been trying to protect you,” Valenti snapped.

“From what?” Michael turned to him.

“Jesse Manes, I assume.” 

“I can handle him.” Michael was just waiting for the day he could confront Jesse in a situation where he could take him out. He wouldn’t hold back this time because there was nothing left to hide for him.

“You really can’t,” Valenti stood and walked over to him. “Jesse has a lot of information on the three of you, but most of it is about you. Because Manes has a vendetta against you.”

“He doesn't need to because he already won,” Michael said as he glanced over at Alex. “And there’s nothing to find on Max and Iz. I’m the troublemaker. I’m the one with a criminal record.”

“For a genius, you really do not understand anything sometimes,” Valenti whispered angrily, as he glanced back to the bed. 

“What?”

“Jesse Manes is trying to get rid of _you_. Permanently, and Alex has been working his ass off to make sure it doesn’t happen. Because for some reason, he loves you.”

Michael leaned back against the window frame and stared at Alex, and the sight made him want to crawl into that bed with him and hold him, use Alex’s presence to keep _Michael_ from falling apart. 

Ever since Caulfield, he’d felt a loneliness that he couldn’t shake, despite being involved with Maria, and despite repairing his closeness with Isobel. And during some of the worst times, he thought that maybe everybody else’s lives would be better if Michael just wasn’t around anymore. But where would he go? Antar was probably a global disaster site if they’d even survived the war, and his mother had died at Caulfield. 

He’d never felt more like he was out of place on this planet than he had in the past few months. 

“I don’t need protection,” Michael said quietly.

“Maybe you don’t. But _he_ needs to protect you.”

“I thought you weren’t comfortable telling me things that he should tell me?”

“I’m not. And I shouldn’t have said any of that. I don’t know if you’ve met Alex, but he is the most stubborn person on the planet.”

“This and any other planet too, I’m sure,” Michael replied. He'd been on the fighting side of that stubborn nature of Alex's, and it was like beating his head against a wall sometimes. 

A sharp rap on the door of the room was followed by a stiff, white-coated physician walking in. 

“Michael Guerin?” He asked as he looked between the two of them.

Michael raised his hand briefly, and the doctor held out his hand to greet him.

“Captain Manes suffered a significant break in his leg in the crash. He’ll be able to use it, but the previous injury leading to the prosthesis complicates matters. He’ll likely be wheelchair bound for at least two months. Possibly three depending on how well that leg recovers. He will need extensive physical therapy.”

“What happened to his eye?” Valenti asked.

The doctor looked back and forth between them. “Captain Manes was attacked prior to his accident. Someone attempted to gouge his eye out. The damage was repaired, and while he might have some limited vision for a while, only time will tell if it did any permanent damage.”

“Son of a bitch,” Michael breathed deeply and clenched his fists.

“He was also shot in the shoulder, but we aren’t sure if that occurred before or after the crash. Once he’s awake, I’m sure there will be questions he’ll need to answer.”

“So that’s why he’s here instead of a local hospital?”

The doctor didn’t respond to the question, which was answer enough for Michael. He gestured toward the prosthesis in the room and said, “That one is new. His was broken at the scene of the accident.” 

Michael took a deep breath to focus and he looked over at Alex. 

The door opened, and an imposing black officer walked in, quite obviously more decorated than Michael had ever seen, not that he'd seen that many higher ups in the Air Force over the years. The man stopped to consider both of them before turning to Michael. “Mr. Guerin?”

“Yes,” Michael said. 

“I’m Lieutenant Colonel Chambers. I was Manes’s commanding officer a while back, before his honorable discharge. And you must be Kyle,” the man turned to Valenti and held out his hand. 

Valenti shook it but looked just as confused as Michael was. 

“I’ve heard a lot of things about both of you recently.”

Michael swallowed nervously because that brought up thoughts of experiments and a lifetime of containment in one of the prisons that his mother had spent her lifetime in.

Chambers looked between the both of them but then settled his eyes back on Michael.

“What can you two gentlemen tell me about Jesse Manes?”


	2. Chapter 2

Michael had been sitting in the same small room answering questions for almost two hours. 

He’d always imagined that being questioned by the military would be terrifying, but he’d never once considered how _confused_ he would be by the experience. He’d imagined, and to be honest, had resigned himself to the possibility of dissections and torture, and maybe he would have gotten that if Jesse Manes was in charge, but this felt no different than being hauled in over misdemeanors or put in the drunk tank overnight. He couldn’t wrap his mind around the cognitive dissonance between what was going on now and what he’d always feared. He knew that in the blink of an eye, he could end up on a table, but if Chambers was the kind of man he seemed… the kind of man that Alex trusted, then maybe he would be safe. 

“Mr. Guerin, can one of my men get you some more coffee? I can’t imagine the trip here was easy, and we’ve been talking for a while.”

Michael shook his head and folded his arms over the table. He’d laid his hat next to him when he’d sat down, and he thought about how he and Valenti had been separated for this. Standard operating procedure, he was sure. Chambers had suggested that Valenti stay with Alex while he and Michael talked. Then Valenti would have his turn, Chambers had said. Michael had no idea exactly what Valenti knew about Manes, or what he would have to say, because he and Alex hadn’t shared a lot of the information that they’d gathered at Caulfield. Michael was okay with that decision, because he had been a mess after his mom was killed, was still a mess if he were honest with himself, and he wouldn’t have reacted kindly to being forced to discuss anything about Caulfield Prison. 

It was the one time, and one time only, he’d been glad to watch Alex walk away from him, if only to stop the pain of looking at him and seeing Jesse Manes destroying Michael’s entire life.

“So, let’s review. You’re suggesting that Master Sergeant Manes has been targeting you and Captain Manes for over ten years?” Chambers asked. 

Chambers didn’t sound incredulous at the idea. In fact, he sounded resigned, as if it was something he suspected but hoped wasn’t true. Michael, despite all his reservations, had told Chambers about the attack in the tool shed, and about what he and Alex had been to each other in the past, leaving out some of the more sensitive details, and about the prison explosion and the details that Alex had given him about his father. But now that Michael’s hand was healed, he didn’t even have the evidence to show what he was saying was true. 

He flexed his left hand as he stared at it, and he’d never wanted _his_ hand back more than in that moment. 

Michael looked up at him, “Yes.” 

“Well that does match what I’ve learned from Captain Manes over the years. And before you start worrying about anything, I’d like to let you know something.”

Michael tilted his head and looked at the man. 

“I know what you are.”

Michael pushed away from the table and backed up, a frisson of fear pressing against his chest. 

_Alex had told him? After everything, Alex had betrayed their secret?_

“Relax, son,” Chambers said. “Captain Manes didn’t tell me anything.” 

Michael didn’t even question how the man had known what to say, because it wouldn’t be hard to imagine what Michael’s expression showed right now. He stared at the man, but Chambers didn’t seem angry. He didn’t even seem surprised. But then again, neither had Alex when he’d brought up the conversation that day. 

It had been somewhat of a letdown that Alex hadn’t even been fazed by the “ _Surprise! You’ve been screwing an alien for almost a decade!_ ” reveal.

“What do you mean by that? What I _am_?” Michael asked carefully.

Chambers smiled, “I mean I know that you’re an alien. That you’re one of the three whose pods were lost and stored somewhere we haven’t yet located, and I know that you were found wandering in the desert in 1997 because that’s when you came out of stasis. You have two relatives, for lack of a more accurate term. Isobel And Max Evans. None of you know who moved your pods from the crash scene, I assume?” 

Michael felt his control slipping, and his hands began to shake. They knew about his _family_. 

“Mr. Guerin, calm down,” Chambers stood. 

Michael closed his eyes, but his hearing was suppressed by the increasing pressure in his mind. The memories that never left him alone crashed over him, and he could feel the groundswell of anger. He looked down at his hand again, and took a deep breath, but it wasn’t helping. Nothing helped him with the anger anymore. Not even the alcohol.

 _Mr. Guerin_ , Chambers looked at him.

Michael clearly heard Chambers’ voice, but the man’s mouth never moved. 

“What?” Michael croaked. 

_Mr. Guerin, you need to relax before you bring the ceiling down on both of us. I know what you are because I am one of your brothers. Well, since I came out of my pod quite a few years before you, I’m one of your mother’s generation… to be more accurate._

Chambers had telepathy. Or mind reading ability. Or both. 

Not like Isobel. He had the clear ability to speak and understand without having to rely on emotions or going into the mind-space that Isobel required to communicate. 

_How the hell?_ Michael sat down. How many different sets of abilities existed in his kind?

“How the hell is a story for another time,” Chambers said. “but you can rest assured that this situation with Manes will be handled. Captain Manes is like a son to me.” 

“Does Alex know?”

_That I’m an alien? He does now. But he hasn’t always known. I waited for him to discover the truth first._

_So, I don’t have to speak at all for you to understand?_ Michael thought.

 _No, I can communicate either way. Believe me, it’s been a boon to my ability to interrogate. No one can lie to me. Well, they can try. But most always fail._ Chambers smiled again.

_What the fuck?_

_It will take time. But you’ll get used to it. Or you’ll end up as one of the smarter ones who figure out how to block my abilities. And according to Captain Manes, you are one of the smarter ones._

“Blocking is possible?” Michael asked out loud. “Without the pollen?”

Chambers raised an eyebrow, “We’ll have to discuss that later. I have no idea what pollen you’re referring to.”

Michael nodded. They would definitely talk. And he would _definitely_ be sharing this information with Isobel.

“You really need to meet my sister.”

“I would love that, Mr. Guerin. She has the control of the mind-sphere, correct? I grew up with a young man who exhibited that ability as well. We never actually had to use words with each other.”

Michael nodded absently. 

How many other aliens were there? How many did the government know about?

_We don’t exactly know because we don’t know how many survived the initial crash. And the Roswell landing wasn’t the only one. How many of our people survived those is also unknown._

_This is so fucking weird._

Chambers laughed. _Like I said, you’ll get used to it._

“Why are you in the Air Force?” Michael asked. “You could literally do anything. You could have gone anywhere.”

_True. But what better way could you devise to get information on our people than hiding in plain sight? I’ve been working on identifying the members of the project that Manes has been working on for the past three years. It led me to having Captain Manes assigned to my team. His father balked at first, but I led him to believe that I would be difficult to work with. He believed me._

_So, he thought you were just like him?_

_He made an assumption that I didn’t correct. Once Captain Manes found out about the existence of aliens, well, it didn’t take long to get him to agree to help me._

_So, he hasn’t been working on this alone?_

He knew he didn’t have the right to worry about Alex, not since everything that happened months ago, but he did worry every time Valenti talked about Alex working to dismantle Project Shephard. He worried about what Alex’s father would do next.

_No, from what I hear, your friend Kyle Valenti has been very helpful as well. Despite the history._

“What history?” Michael asked, and shook his head. He couldn’t get used to this form of communication and felt like he was switching back and forth constantly. 

It made the chaos in his head even worse. 

For once, he was glad he didn’t have the power to read minds. He’d always envied that about Isobel, because it would have been helpful in communicating with Alex. 

But now? The skill would drive him crazy.

_That’s not my story to tell, Mr. Guerin._

“Did you tell Valenti?” Michael asked. 

“No. I may eventually. But not right now.”

Michael nodded. “What do I need to do?”

_Something that will really bother Captain Manes._

Michael rolled his entire body when the feeling of dread came over him. “What?”

_I need you to watch out for him. He will be in a wheelchair for a while, and since I firmly believe that his father was behind the attack on him, he will need some protection. With the prosthetic and a broken leg, he won’t be at one hundred percent. But he will deny that and refuse to ask for help. So, I’m asking for him. If I assign military protection, I can’t be sure that Master Sergeant Manes won’t get to them when I’m not around. With you, I can._

Michael was dumbfounded. “Alex will _kill me_. The last time one of us tried to babysit him, we got our asses handed to us. And I don’t know if you’ve read his mind lately, but he’s really pissed at me right now.”

Chambers laughed. 

_I’m sure it won’t surprise you that about two weeks after learning about my abilities, he found a way to block them. Captain Manes is one of a kind, Mr. Guerin. So, no, I haven’t read his mind lately. This is only temporary. I’m sure once your Ms. Ortecho finds a way to bring him back, your brother can be brought in. Unfortunately, none of our people that I have the acquaintance of is a healer. That appears to be a unique ability, at least among the survivors._

Michael immediately thought of all the other aliens at Caulfield. 

“How much do you _know_?”

“Mr. Guerin, I make it my business to know everything,” Chambers gestured towards the door. “Now how about we go see if Captain Manes is awake?”

Kyle was sitting in the chair next to Alex when they walked in, and Michael was relieved to see that Alex was awake. Alex, with what little mobility he had in the bed, turned his head towards them but then looked away when his eyes landed on Michael. 

Michael expected that. 

Even before Alex had gone missing, it had been weeks since they’d even laid eyes on each other. Months since they’d talked. The last conversation they’d had still sat painfully heavy in his mind, refusing to leave, bringing guilt with it that made Michael nauseous at times. Simply because everything Alex had said to him had been richly deserved. 

“Well, young man. It’s good to see you awake,” Chambers grinned. “I will be back to actually visit with you once I’m finished with the information gathering portion of my visit.”

“Yes, sir,” Alex croaked. 

“Mr. Guerin and I have been talking, and I think some of us are on the same page. Now, if you don’t mind Mr. Valenti, it’s time for our conversation,” Chambers gestured towards him.

Kyle looked down at Alex like he didn’t want to leave him, but Alex eyed him with a kind of nonverbal communication that irritated Michael. They shouldn’t know each other that well. Kyle shouldn't be the one who could read Alex like that. _Michael_ should be. Kyle nodded and then left the room, acknowledging Michael as he passed. 

Michael sat back in the chair that he’d been using to sleep in and looked at Alex. 

“How are you feeling?” Michael asked softly. 

“Fine.”

Michael snorted. “You are nowhere near fine.”

Alex turned his head to look at him, and it seemed like his head was the only part of him that he had full control over. His shoulder was bandaged and held against him by a simple sling. His other arm had the IV and the blood pressure monitor attached. Alex’s eye was still covered with gauze, and his leg was elevated. 

“I’m. Fine.” Alex repeated coldly.

Michael sat back, “ _Fine_. You’re _fine._ And I’m _fine_. Everybody’s _fine,_ ” he repeated without even trying to sound anything but sarcastic. “I can wait for them to get back. But since I’m under some kind of surveillance here, I’m not going anywhere.”

Alex looked alarmed at the possibility of Michael being watched. “What?”

“They wouldn’t let me leave earlier,” Michael shrugged. 

Alex snorted softly, and his eyes filled with hurt, before he turned his head away again, and Michael thought about what he’d just said. 

“Alex,” Michael said quietly, “I didn’t mean I _tried_ to leave. I meant Valenti and I were both told we weren’t leaving as soon as we got here.”

Alex stayed silent. 

And well, Michael probably deserved the silence. 

The moment he’d said the words to Alex, all those months ago, he regretted them. Wanted to chase them back. But he hadn’t. He’d just let them hang out there, and let Alex get hurt by them. So, he deserved for Alex to not speak to him anymore. 

Part of the reason he kept drinking is because every time he closed his eyes, he replayed their argument in his mind. 

He’d gone over it again and again since that night. Everything he’d said, while true for him at the time, was cruel. 

He knew it. And when he’d attempted to apologize Alex had handed him his ass. 

_“The problem is that you think of me as a human, but not as a person. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have reduced me to nothing but a symbol of all the bad things in your life.”_

Michael laid his head back on the back of the chair and waited. He wouldn’t try to talk to Alex anymore until Chambers and Valenti came back. 

Now, if he could just get the Alex in his head to be as quiet as the one in the hospital bed.

_“You look at me like I’m just like them. The humans who caged and waged war on your people.”_

Michael flinched at the memory. The more he tried to forget their last argument, the more he remembered. Word for word. He wished he didn’t remember everything they’d said between them, because then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

But then… they were really good at hurting each other. 

_“I’m tired of trying so hard to fix things only for you to turn around and treat me like I’m the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”_

And then Michael had said it, and he was still haunted by his own words, so he couldn't even imagine how they'd affected Alex. 

In trying to tell Alex that he needed time, that he needed something easy, that he’d needed something that wouldn’t hurt, he’d blurted out something that wasn’t true. That Alex, and loving Alex, _were_ the worst things that had ever happened to him. 

He hadn't meant it, and he could acknowledge now that it wasn't true. Had never been true. 

But he'd said it anyway.

Alex had always tried too hard to make sure he never broke down in front of Michael, whether it was because of fear or something else. Probably his stubborn nature if Michael had to make a bet on it.

But he had that night. 

Alex had cried, and the last time Michael had seen Alex actually cry was the night in the tool shed. 

Michael looked up when Alex’s breathing changed, but he found Alex asleep again. 

_“Because I’m not the worst thing that ever happened to you, and I never have been. And I finally realized that for myself. And I’m not going to let you take that away from me simply because you don’t want to heal.”_


	3. Chapter 3

_“Where. Is. He?”_

_The hesitation between each word was followed by another agonizing punch to his ribs, but Alex had been through worse. Nothing any of his brothers could do, whether on order of their father or not, could possibly hurt as much as being nearly blown up in the Middle East._

_Although he had to admire the dedication, since it was at the level of Jesse Manes. It seemed Adrian was trying hard to live up to their father’s expectations._

_“I’d love to help you, bro,” Alex coughed wetly and spat out blood. “But I haven’t seen dear old dad in months. By my own choice.”_

_“You’re lying,” Adrian growled and hit him again, then wrapped his hand around Alex’s neck and pulled him in close. Alex was struck again by how much Adrian resembled their father. No wonder he’d always been Jesse’s favorite. “What did you do to him? He would never stay out of contact this long. You had something to do with that.”_

_“I didn’t do anything to him,” Alex grinned. “As much as I would love to, obviously. What I did do was take over his Project. Maybe he left town after I took his new baby away.”_

_Adrian took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes, “Alex, I can make this hurt worse.”_

_Alex laughed, “You can try.”_

_Adrian screamed in frustration, right into Alex’s face, and Alex realized that while Jesse Manes was cold and silent when he punished those he considered unworthy, Adrian was the opposite. He was zealous and unstable and obviously hard to control._

_Adrian thought tantrums were scary, but Adrian had never had to suffer at the hands of their father. Alex would take tantrums and screaming over cold, silent violence any day._

_Also, Adrian would be easier to manipulate._

_“What did you do to him?”_

_Alex spit out more blood and looked Adrian in the eye, “I didn’t do anything to him. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t believe me.”_

_“I’m going to fucking murder you, Alex,” Adrian yelled in his face again._

_“You’ll have to get in line,” Alex deadpanned back. “Right behind Dad.”_

_His lack of emotion had always irritated Adrian, and Flint too, to be honest. Forest had never paid attention to Alex long enough to be worried about his emotions, or lack of them._

_“When I find him, you are going to pay for being so uncooperative,” Adrian dusted off Alex’s shoulder and slapped his face mockingly. “Then I’ll let Dad reintroduce you to his old training techniques. I’m sure you missed those,” Adrian winked._

_“Fuck you,” Alex snapped then cursed himself for letting his brother get to him._

_“There we go,” Adrian smirked as he leaned forward and pressed his hand into Alex’s side, where he’d identified at least a few broken ribs. “You will tell me. Eventually.”_

_“There is nothing to tell, Adrian,” Alex said with a gasp. “I didn’t do anything to him. I don’t interact with him, and I’m sure you know why.”_

_“He should have done more to fix you,” Adrian said coldly, and then Alex’s vision went black._

Alex jerked awake with a shout and cursed inwardly when the intensity of the pain washed over him. But the pain was at least useful enough to remind him that he wasn’t back in that cell anymore. He swallowed down the nausea and looked around the room. 

Apparently, he’d startled Kyle awake, and he couldn’t help but smirk while he watched Kyle stand and try to get his bearings. 

“Never learned how to orient yourself in med school?” Alex’s voice was more of a croak, but when he tried to clear his throat, all he managed to do was make the pain worse. 

“Fuck you, Alex,” Kyle grinned good-naturedly. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I got beat up and flipped my SUV,” Alex deadpanned as he tried to get more comfortable in the bed, though it wasn’t working much. He could barely move and with one arm in a sling and one with the IV, he couldn’t even push himself up to get into another position.

He blinked to clear his vision, but his left eye wasn’t cooperating. He tried to lift his usable arm to his face to see why, but he didn’t seem to have the energy. And, it hurt.

He was tired of _that_ feeling.

“Your eye is covered because someone tried to _gouge_ it out,” Kyle said, his tone suggesting that he was disappointed in Alex for allowing that to happen. 

Alex snorted, but that hurt as well. “That would be Adrian.”

“Motherfucker,” Kyle snapped. “I’ll kill him.”

Alex turned to him and blinked his right eye to clear it. “Kyle, that’s admirable, and I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s also a little unrealistic. You couldn’t even bring yourself to buy a gun.”

Kyle glared but shrugged in agreement, and since Alex’s vision was clearing, he could finally see it. 

Alex looked around and cursed. “My fucking leg is broken.” 

It was more of a statement than a question, because he could remember the searing heat of pain from the initial break, but seeing it there, next to the empty space on the bed, just made him angry. 

“Yes, it is. The doctor said you’re probably going to be in a wheelchair for a few months. He seemed worried about you trying to walk like this.”

“Dammit,” Alex snapped. “This is the last thing I need.”

“Well, it’s better than being dead,” Kyle quipped, but he looked serious.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Alex said quietly.

But he really didn’t like the idea of spending the next few months trying to learn how to navigate with one broken leg and one with a prosthetic. He had work to do. 

Alex looked up as the door opened, and Lt. Colonel Chambers and Michael walked in. 

Alex stuck to silence or short answers during Chambers’ attempt to engage both Michael and Kyle into the discussion. He was still a little disoriented, but at least Chambers hadn’t tried to question him yet. He was tired and didn’t feel up to remembering or talking about what Adrian and his father had done. He also didn’t want to talk about anything in front of Michael. 

Why was Michael even here? Then Alex closed his eyes as he remembered having changed his emergency contact to Michael months ago. He’d forgotten to change that to someone else. 

He listened to Michael try to explain that he hadn’t tried to leave, but Alex couldn’t help but doubt that. He knew Michael didn’t want anything to do with him, hadn’t for months, so why would he suddenly care about Alex and his well-being?

Alex stayed quiet for a while and just listened to the ambient sounds in the room. He kept his eyes closed and just breathed in slowly. It hurt less if he didn’t try to take deep breaths. His ribs were burning, and he felt heavy, which was probably due to whatever cocktail of medications he was on. 

It reminded him of the last time he spent time in the hospital, when he’d woken up to the news that he’d lost his leg. 

This wasn’t as bad. He had to remember that. 

Alex woke again to Michael sitting next to him, in the same position he’d been when Alex had dropped off to sleep.

He didn’t look at Michael and didn’t want to talk to him. 

But since there was nobody else in the room, and he wanted some water, he was going to have to suck down his pride and ask.

“Water?”

Michael shot up immediately, startling Alex, and reached for the pitcher on the table. “Gimme just a second, Alex.” 

Alex closed his eyes and waited until he felt the straw press against his lips. He sipped cautiously, since he remembered the days of trying to drink too much or doing too much and puking all over himself and the bed as a result. It hadn’t been fun. He stopped drinking the water long before he actually wanted to, but he wasn’t taking any chances.

“How do you feel?”

“Fine,” Alex croaked. 

“Alex, you’re not fine,” Michael exclaimed.

Alex looked over at him, and Michael looked both angry and frustrated. He also showed signs of having slept at a hospital for more days that he should have been. He hadn't shaved in a while, and his curls were thick but looked as if he’d been running his hands through them. He was paler than usual, and his eyes were bloodshot. 

“You look worse than I do,” Alex mused. 

Michael snorted, “Yeah, well sorry about that.”

He leaned towards the bed, and Alex watched him. He seemed to want to take Alex’s hand, so Alex moved it over his chest. 

Michael took the hint and sat back. “Who did this?”

Alex didn’t answer. He didn’t want Michael dragged into this. This was the same old war that Alex had been fighting since he was about twelve years old. Michael had been a casualty too many times, so if Alex kept him out of the loop on purpose, he had good reason. 

“Alex, please tell me,” Michael pleaded. 

Alex looked at him. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does fucking matter,” Michael snapped. “You almost died.”

“It wouldn’t be the first time,” Alex replied. “And now that my father is back on his feet, it won’t be the last. What the fuck happened? He was supposed to be in a coma!”

Michael looked uncomfortable. 

“What did you do?” Alex asked quietly. 

“We woke him up,” Michael said. 

“Great.” Alex rolled his eyes and settled into a more comfortable position on the pillow. He was too tired to get angry anymore. He would just clean up after that stupid decision when he’d healed. 

“We thought he could help us with a lead to find you!” Michael added.

“Well, did he?” Alex asked sarcastically.

“No.”

“Well, who is surprised by that?” Alex asked the room. 

“Geez, Alex. We were trying to help.”

“Who’s we?”

“Me, Valenti, Maria, Liz, and Isobel. Rosa too. She went to follow leads with Valenti.”

“What a surprise,” Alex said before realizing that despite being angry with some of them, he wasn’t angry at all of them. And he was a bit surprised that they’d taken time from resurrecting Max to look for Alex. “Any progress on Max?”

Michael shook his head. “Liz and I have been working on it, but nothing yet.” 

Alex looked at Michael and made a decision. “You need to ask them to let you leave. Tell them I requested it.”

“What?” Michael said with disbelief and hurt in his voice.

“I don’t want you here,” Alex replied. 

Michael just looked at him. “You’re going to need help when they let you go home.”

“Then I’ll hire someone. I’m sure the Veteran’s programs have something I can qualify for.”

Michael nodded, “Probably. But how safe would that be?”

“Why do you even care?” Alex snapped as he turned his head a little too fast for his liking, causing an ache in the area around his eye. “I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. Why the fuck do you even care how much help I need or how I’m doing right now?”

Michael closed his eyes with something like regret. 

“Because I _do_ care about you,” he answered quietly, and when he opened his eyes again, there was an honesty there that just made Alex angrier. 

“Bullshit,” he snapped. 

Michael stood abruptly and walked over to the window. “I don’t want to fight, Alex.”

“Then go. I don’t want you here.”

He could see Michael flinch at his words. “I can’t leave.”

“I’ll tell Chambers to let you off the hook for whatever you promised him.”

Michael turned around, “How did you know that?”

“Because that’s what Chambers does. He has a hard time accepting that I’m not in the Air Force anymore and believes he can still order me to do things. When I remind him that he can’t, he tries to work around me.”

“He’s a good guy. He told me about himself.”

Alex looked up at him, “He did? That’s good. But it doesn’t change anything. Even if you want to help me out of some sense of guilt you might have, I don’t accept it. I don’t want anything from you other than for you to walk out that door.”

“Alex,” Michael said softly.

Alex began to insist again, but just then Chambers and Kyle walked back into the room. Kyle walked over to his side and looked down at him, one eyebrow raised in question.

“I’m okay,” Alex said.

Chambers walked over to the other side of the bed, “You gave everyone quite a scare, you know? Airman Sinclair just about had a heart attack calling it in when they found your car.” 

Alex nodded, “He’s a good kid.”

“He’s only about eight years younger than you.”

“Still a kid,” Alex insisted, which elicited a laugh from his former CO.

Chambers glanced between Alex and Michael, and noted the tension before turning back to him, “Are you going to give me trouble this time?”

Alex sighed.

“Don’t sigh at me. I may not be your CO anymore, but I can still turn you over my knee,” Chambers said it with a grin, but Alex couldn’t help but cringe at the mental picture.

“Sir, no. That’s just wrong.” 

Chambers boomed out a laugh, “It’s just too easy, Alex.” 

Kyle laughed with him, but Michael stayed silent. 

“Lt. Colonel, I don’t need whatever plan you came up with. Guerin can go home.” 

“Speaking of home,” Kyle interrupted as he tossed his phone to Michael. “Call someone. Liz just got done chewing me out for not keeping them updated. Maria wants to hear from you.”

Alex looked away from Michael and back at Chambers. “Let him go home, sir.”

Michael punched in the number on the cell phone as he left the room.

Chambers looked down at Alex as Michael walked out, “No. I know you think you can handle anything, and most of the time I would agree with you. But this is too important. Your father needs to be dealt with.”

“And I can do it myself,” Alex argued. “My father has been trying to handle me since I was twelve years old. He isn’t going to stop trying. As long as he thinks I’m toeing the line, he keeps clear of me because I embarrass him. But the moment I try to step beyond that line, that’s when he strikes. It’s been sixteen years, and he hasn’t given up yet. None of this will be over until he either kills me or I kill him myself.”

“Are you planning on doing that, Captain Manes?” Chambers was quickly serious, and the comradery was briefly gone from his eyes.

Alex looked down at his broken leg and then over to his missing leg and then looked back up at Chambers.

“Who me, sir?,” he asked, affecting a look of innocence. “Look at me. I can’t even walk.”

Chambers glared down at him. 

“Alex," Kyle interjected, "with all the shifts I have at the hospital back home, I can’t exactly spend every day with you. You do need some help, and I would feel better if there was someone with you that could help you out if Adrian comes back around.” 

And he knew that both of them were right, that he would need help for a while. It wouldn’t be as bad as the last time, but it still bothered him that he would need to rely on someone else again. 

“I’ll hire someone.”

“How can we be sure that person won’t be bought off by your father?” Kyle asked.

Alex glared at him. “Nobody asked you, Kyle.”

Chambers snorted but put his head down, “Stop being so stubborn. Who would you consent to having stay with you?” 

“Airman Sinclair.”

“Oh hell no. You’d have him in the hospital with a nervous breakdown after the first day. Do you have any friends at home that you trust? Besides Mr. Valenti here, who cannot give you what you want over this because, as he said, he can’t miss work.”

Alex sighed and really thought about it. 

He didn’t have anyone. 

His eyes filled with tears, and both Chambers and Kyle looked down at him, though Kyle quickly looked away. 

They pitied him. 

Kyle knew that Alex had no one. No biological family that gave a shit about him. Two that on multiple occasions had tried to actually kill him. No friends now that the dust had settled over Michael and Maria. She’d gotten Liz in the friendship divorce, and he’d expected it, since most of his conversations with Liz had been about suggesting that he try to be happy for them. 

None of them knew that Alex understood Michael’s decision to date Maria. None of them cared how he felt about any of it. And though he was hurt, he could understand Michael wanting Maria. 

She was good. Alex _wasn’t_. Hadn’t Michael made that very clear? 

Alex was nothing but pain to him. He was the worst thing in Michael’s life. 

So yes, he was hurt. But it was by Michael’s words more than his decision. 

Alex had lost nearly everybody that had even remotely cared about him all at once. He didn’t even get along with Max anymore, before they’d lost him, despite how close they’d been in high school. Alex had lost that friendship too when he signed up. 

He’d never had anyone else besides them, other than some Air Force friends. But none of them could stay with him. The ones he knew that had retired or decided to not re-enlist lived too far away to come, and he couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ ask them. 

Most had families to take care of. Alex had none of that. 

He closed his eyes, but then he felt Chambers squeeze his good shoulder. 

“Son, I know you hate this. But I don’t see any other solution right now. Once we bring your father in, you can be free of all of this.”

Alex nodded. 

He’d never be free. 

Even if they managed to put his dad behind bars, Alex still had to look at himself in the mirror.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's what happened. I got stuck on this chapter because it's more of a filler, but then I had a crisis happen with the access to my Word/Office account. It wouldn't let me access the fic to update it, or edit it or anything. I finally got it copied over to google docs to rescue the fic (and I still can't get my Office account fixed). So that's why 1) It's late and 2) It's more filler because once I finally got access to it, I just wanted it posted so I could get to the next chapter.

Alex was ready to be discharged, settled into a wheelchair that he would have to get used to for a few months, and very irritable when Kyle walked in to pick him up. He and Michael had been shooed to another area of the hospital to rest overnight because Alex’s blood pressure kept rising the more he was forced to listen to the two argue.

The nurses admonished Kyle more than Michael, because he was  _ supposed to know better _ , which had led to Michael smirking at Kyle with satisfaction, and then they both started up again. He’d never had someone actually kicked out of his hospital room before, not even his father when he was recovering in Germany, mainly because he was out of it for most of that recovery, but the looks of astonishment on both of their faces had been satisfying. 

He would need a lot of patience to get through the two of them interacting again. It would be worse than the drive to Caulfield because Alex was decidedly not in the mood. 

Kyle tossed him a phone, “Courtesy of Chambers. It’s your old number, because he wants to see if your dad will contact you.”

Alex snorted, “He wouldn’t try to call me. He’s laying low right now.”

“Yeah, maybe. But he seems to think he’s above the law, so I mean… what wouldn’t he do?”

Alex nodded to acknowledge that Kyle had a point. 

“You have some missed calls from a number I don’t recognize,” Kyle gestured towards the phone. “As soon as the phone got activated, the pinging went on for a while.”

Alex held the phone up with his good hand and looked at the calling log. “Seems familiar.”

“Call it. See if it’s someone working for your dad.”

Alex frowned up at him, “You’ve become very paranoid lately.”

“Sue me. Your dad tried to kill me. I think I’m allowed.”

Alex pressed the call as Kyle began wheeling him out of the room. “Hello,” he said tentatively as the call connected.

“Manes. You are a crafty SOB and very hard to get a hold of.” Jenna Cameron’s voice came over the line. 

Alex smiled, “Is everything okay?”

“Yes. How I don’t know. But I’m grateful for it.”

Alex smirked, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“So, my sister has been released, and I’ve been offered my old job back,” Jenna said, and Alex could hear the happiness in her voice.

Good. At least someone got something good out of all of this. 

“Huh. I wonder what happened?” Alex said dryly. 

He was pretty sure his new phone wasn’t bugged, but he couldn’t be sure about Jenna’s. She seemed to be thinking about the same thing if the vagueness of her words was any indication.

“Should there be any interference with that?”

“Possibly. When isn’t there interference? I wouldn’t say no to your help at some point, though.”

“I’m on my way back to Roswell to take the new position. Well my old position. Charlie is coming with me too.”

“That’s great,” Alex offered. “I’m glad you got her back.”

He would swear that she was sniffling, but he couldn’t tell because she immediately cleared her throat, “Valenti in on this?”

“We couldn’t get rid of Valenti if we tried,” Alex deadpanned.

“You laugh, but you’d be lost without me,” Kyle leaned down and spoke into the phone.

Jenna laughed, “Can’t wait. Be there by this evening.”

He pressed to end the call and dropped the phone into his lap. Michael had taken the discharge paperwork with him and was bringing a vehicle around. It was on loan from Chambers, one of his personal vehicles, since both Kyle and Michael had been unceremoniously dropped at the facility without a car or truck of their own. 

Alex knew Chambers was aware of what he was doing. He knew that Alex would feel beholden to him and would likely agree to whatever his next plan would be. He knew how Chambers operated because Alex operated that same way himself. Even though he recognized the methods, he could still be irritated at Chambers’ machinations, even if he did have to admit that if he needed someone on his side, he’d pull every string he could as well. Alex would be willing to place a bet on the fact that, in a few hours, Chambers would call and tell Alex to keep the vehicle since he’d totaled his own.

“Do you want to sit in the back and lie down?” Kyle asked as Michael pulled up. 

Alex nodded. He did not want to be a part of any conversation that might go on during the drive back. 

“That was Jenna, right?”

“Yeah.”

“My mom told me that she was offered her old job back.”

“Yep, she’s coming back but didn’t say exactly when.”

“So, what are you so proud of?” Kyle helped him to stand briefly. “I can read your smug face.”

Regardless how smug he might have looked, it turned to a grimace as Alex stood up, balancing his broken leg on the curb and testing out the new prosthetic. It didn’t fit properly, and it was going to be irritating for a while, until he could get fitted for another at his next appointment. He would have to rely on the wheelchair, and he hadn’t had to do that since the physical therapy months right after he lost his leg. It felt like he was going backwards in his overall recovery. Granted, this wasn’t as bad as losing his leg, but the mere fact that he would be nothing more than a sitting duck for his father grated on him.

Alex settled onto the seat of the SUV and looked up, “Her sister was released from prison.”

“Damn," Kyle laughed. "What did you do?”

Alex tilted his head to the side as he tried to figure out how to slide himself in with only one usable arm, “Just helped.”

Michael got out of the SUV and opened the back door, “That’s some help.”

“Yeah, well, Jenna told me a lot about her situation. Charlie got railroaded and then my father used her as a pawn to get Jenna on his side. She came to me instead.”

“Smart woman,” Kyle gestured at Michael and then looked at Alex, “So how do you want to do this? It’s going to hurt like a bitch no matter which door you choose.”

Alex sighed. “Yeah, I know.”

Michael and Kyle pulled and pushed him around to get him seated, and Alex was frustrated with every single movement. Not because it hurt, even though it did. He was aggravated because he hated being pitied, and he hated needing help with anything. Michael handed him a pillow to wedge behind his back, and Alex looked up to see a small smile forming on Michael’s face. Alex returned it, because while he had been angry with Michael for months, he still loved him, and he knew that Michael was doing his best to help without causing Alex any more problems. 

“Would you guys judge me for taking a pain pill and sleeping through this drive?” Alex asked as Michael slid behind the wheel.

“Fuck, not at all,” Kyle settled into the passenger seat and opened the bottle, handing one to Alex, and Michael floated him a bottle of water from the front seat. 

“Comes in handy sometimes,” Michael winked as he met Alex’s eyes in the rear view mirror.

Alex woke to more arguing, and a body that ached from the movement of the vehicle. He didn’t know how long he’d been asleep, but he was still tired. Alex kept his eyes closed and took an inventory of symptoms, the way he used to do before he got up in the morning, post-surgery. 

His arm, still in a sling, was less of a problem. It ached, but it was tolerable. His leg throbbed quite a bit, but he figured that had a lot to do with the drive and the position he had to sit in. His eye, now no longer covered with gauze since before the discharge, was uncomfortable and itchy, but his vision was clearer. So, no permanent damage as far as he knew. That was good. The eye was bloodshot this morning when he’d woken up, and he guessed it was probably more so now. 

His ribs still hurt, but they weren’t wrapped since that was no longer protocol. The doctors were more worried about him getting pneumonia from not breathing deeply enough. He recognized the breathing apparatus they’d sent home with him, and he wasn’t a fan. He’d had to use it way too often, even as a kid when he’d been nursing broken ribs and avoiding the pitying looks from the doctors that never did anything to help him. How they treated them now was different than how his broken ribs had been treated in high school. But he can’t say that he missed the lack of the wrapping, which had always been uncomfortable. 

Those doctors that had always turned a blind eye back then had done so because of his father’s status in town. They would wrap Alex up and remind him not to fall again, since that was always his father’s excuse. Alex, even as a teen, could tell that the doctors didn’t believe the story. Alex always wondered why they’d bother trying to cover for him. His current bruises weren’t any worse than he’d had before, thanks to both his father and his military service. His hips ached from the position he was in, but that would be remedied when they got home, and he could get comfortable on his couch. 

“You hungry?” Michael’s voice came from the passenger side, so at some point in the past few hours, they’d switched. “We didn’t want you to have to try getting out and then getting back in again, so we got drive thru.”

Alex nodded, and Michael held out a box of chicken tenders for him, “Figured you would prefer these since you’re eating one-handed.”

Alex looked up at him, oddly pleased that Michael would think of that, “Thanks.”

“So, not to break up this sad attempt at foreplay, but when are you going to tell us what happened?” Kyle interrupted. 

Alex took a bite of chicken and chewed as he glared at Kyle in the rear view mirror. He swallowed, and then took a drink from the water he’d had earlier. 

“I got beat up, and then I flipped my truck. You know what happened,” Alex said.

Michael twirled around so quickly that Alex was startled by the motion, “We want the whole story, Alex. This is not the time to be stubborn.”

Alex glared at Michael. “I’m not being stubborn. I was working on something that I can’t really tell you about. I was compromised. End of story.”

Kyle huffed, “That’s not the end of the story.”

“Why don’t you two go back to arguing and leave me alone?” Alex suggested. 

“Because we care about you, dumbass,” Kyle argued. 

“Right,” Alex nodded sarcastically. 

He knew he was being an ass, but he had a right to be. He was tired and injured, and he’d been through these kind of situations dozens of times before. Nothing would be done to his father unless Alex did it himself. Nobody had cared to interfere before, when Alex could have used the help, so he wasn’t about to depend on anybody else now. Michael had been the only one to ever try, and looked how that ended for him. Acting now, against Jesse Manes, would cost Kyle his job, and he’d done enough already. Michael trying to fight Alex’s father would end up with Michael getting hurt again. 

Alex couldn’t risk it. 

And it’s not that Alex really felt like nobody cared about him. It’s just that he had so few who did that sometimes he felt it would be better for them to cut him out of their lives. 

Like Michael did. 

As if he knew what Alex was thinking, Michael looked at him with something like regret in his eyes, but Alex looked away and focused on the view outside the car window. 

“We do, Alex,” Michael said softly.

“I was working on something that I seriously cannot tell you about. Then I got compromised. Adrian ambushed me at my cabin in the middle of the night and dragged me out. He brought my prosthetic with him just to taunt me with it later because he learned all his best moves from dear old dad. Adrian promised he would let me go and give me back my leg, if I’d just give him the information he wanted.” 

“What was that?” Kyle asked. 

“Dad’s location. So, of course, I wouldn’t tell him. But then about a week ago, who comes walking in but Jesse Manes himself.”

Alex turned back to them. Kyle looked chagrined and Michael didn’t look any better.

“Yeah, uh,” Kyle took one hand off the wheel to rub his neck. “That was our fault.”

Alex sighed, “Yeah, well, his lack of enjoyment about his hospital stay was pretty obvious.”

“Did he take it out on you?” Michael asked quietly.

“What do you think, Guerin?” Alex answered. “My father hates me, so of course he took it out on me.”

“Fuck,” Kyle looked into the rear view mirror, “I’m sorry, Alex.”

Alex shrugged but then regretted it due to the shot of pain that went through his shoulder, “You didn’t know. I mean, I didn’t even know about Adrian until he grabbed me. My father always has a back up plan.”

“How many times has he tried to actually kill you?” Michael was turned around in the passenger seat and staring at him when Alex looked up.

“Enough,” Alex answered. 

“Jesus, Alex,” Kyle swore. 

“You know I never understand why people are so surprised? We see stories about it in the media every fucking day. Parents who torture their kids,  _ starve  _ them. Everybody reads or listens to those stories and says how awful it is, but would any of them step up to change anything for any of those children?”

Michael’s eyes told Alex that he understood because he had been in similar situations. While Alex’s abuse had been from one abuser, Michael’s had been from many. Despite being a human and an alien, their childhoods had too many awful similarities.

“But any time I ever told someone in authority about what was done to me, there was always this disbelief. Like he could never do such a thing to his own child. When in reality, any time I stepped out of line, I was punched, kicked, stomped on, and verbally berated about how me being born into his family was the  _ worst thing _ that had ever happened to him.” 

Michael gasped, his expression turning to guilt again, and Alex blinked away his tears as he looked back out the window. 

So yeah, now Michael knew why what he’d said had hurt Alex so much. 

“It was worse after I lost my leg because he was pissed I didn’t die. I could have been a real Manes hero if I had just let myself die that day. It was a proud morning for me when I woke up and realized that I didn’t give him what he wanted.” 

Kyle cleared his throat and met Alex’s eyes in the rear view mirror. But he didn’t say anything.

“What did he do? That night?” Michael whispered. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Alex replied. 

“Yes it does. What did he do after he dragged out of the shed?” Michael’s eyes were wet with tears. 

Alex looked at him but didn’t say anything. 

“Please tell me.” 

Alex cleared his throat. “He strapped me to a table and water-boarded me.” 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is about 4,000 words of Alex being angry. If that's a trigger for you, you might want to skip this chapter. There is a confrontation between Alex and Michael and another one between Alex and Maria. Some unpleasant dynamics are going on here, but since it's from Alex's POV and he's got a lot of anger issues going on, I think that the scene here is fair.

Alex was going to kill someone, and for the sake of himself and everyone around him, he hoped his dad would strike… _ right then _ … so that  _ he _ could be the sacrifice for Alex’s sanity. 

He had been home for only four days, and Kyle and Michael wouldn’t let him do  _ anything _ . 

They’d dragged Liz to his cabin, or she had dragged them, he wasn’t sure. She’d cautioned him every day for the last four fucking days about trying to do simple things, like go to the bathroom by himself, like he wasn’t aware that it would be a challenge for him in this state. 

Maria had approached his front door hesitantly, probably expecting to be rebuffed, but he hadn’t kicked her out. He might not really want to talk to her, but he also couldn’t exactly ignore her when he wasn’t ignoring Michael. It wasn’t fair, and she was his friend first. She helped out by cleaning up some of the mess Adrian had made kidnapping him. He told her she didn’t have to do that, but she’d insisted. When they did speak, it was the kind of awkward small talk that did nothing to address the problem between them. When Michael had asked if it was okay for her to come, because she was worried about him, Alex hadn’t really responded at first. But then he’d agreed to it, because when it came down to it, he missed her. He missed his friend, if she was even that to him anymore. 

Kyle came every day, and he meant well, but when he was in Dr. Valenti mode it did nothing but piss Alex off. 

Isobel was at least helpful. She knew when to stay quiet, and she knew when he wanted to talk. He tried not to think about how she knew, because he didn’t really want to consider that she might have entered his mind to figure it out. She let him have his own agency in his decisions, and all she did was point out how much of a dumbass he might be when he tried something he shouldn’t. 

He couldn’t help but think that she granted him more control because of how little she’d had over the past few years. 

He liked her. She could stay. 

Michael could go fuck himself though. 

“Give me my laptop, Guerin.” 

“No,” Michael answered and placed his computer just enough out of reach that Alex would have to get up to grab it. But then, of course, once he did that, he wouldn’t be able to juggle it and his crutches and be able to successfully get settled back on the couch. 

Not with his prosthetic and a broken leg.

“Do you have any idea how much that fucking pisses me off? Do you know how shitty it is for someone who has all four limbs to actively put something out of reach of a disabled person?” 

“Oh fuck you. You know I’m not trying to taunt you about your leg. I was told that you weren’t allowed to work, and so I’m not letting you work!” Michael argued back, but he at least looked a little shamefaced at being called out for his borderline ableist behavior. 

“I have to do something! I’m not going to just sit here and wait for my father to come after me again!” Alex shouted. 

“You don’t have to do anything.  _ We _ are doing it!” Michael yelled. 

Alex felt the fight drain out of him because he was just tired. He was tired of being cornered and then being yelled at for striking out. 

“Why are you still here? Isn’t Maria coming to take her shift?” 

“I’m not leaving you. Chambers would probably kill me with his brain.” 

“He can’t even do that,” Alex sighed and looked away. 

Michael knelt down in front of his wheelchair. “What is this about?”

Alex didn’t think Michael would actually appreciate the answer to that. 

_ This _ is about how Michael’s finally got him in a position where Alex physically cannot walk away, and Michael still doesn’t listen to him when he talks. It’s about how Michael is constantly asking questions he doesn’t really want the answer to, because the answer won’t be comfortable. Because the answer reminds him of his behavior. Of his choices. 

_ This _ is about how he was in pain because he had to stop using the pain pills. Because he woke up two days ago and realized that he wanted the pills for something  _ other than pain _ , and he’d been through that once already and wasn’t planning to go down that road again. 

_ Medical treatment isn’t relapse _ , he could hear his therapist’s voice in his head.  _ Sometimes you have to accept treatment when it’s needed _ .

_ This _ was about everything and nothing at all. 

“You aren’t allowed to corner me when I cannot walk away and expect me not to strike out.” 

Michael looked at him with surprise, as if that hadn’t occurred to him at all. 

“I’m not trying to corner you,” Michael said softly. 

“Right,” Alex said dryly. “Look. You didn’t want to take the time to listen to me before, so why bother doing it now?” 

Michael looked crushed by his answer but nodded sharply. “You’re right. I didn’t. That one is on me. But I was fucked up at the time. I had just seen my mother  _ blown up in front of me! _ I wasn’t in any condition to  _ talk to you! _ ” 

“You were in good enough condition to sleep with Maria,” Alex snapped back. 

Michael’s face fell as he stood. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex took a deep breath. “That was out of line.” 

It was. It was petty and mean, but he had a reputation for that lately. But he’d heard that excuse before, the last time Michael had tried to talk to him, all those months ago when he first chose to date Maria. Alex was tired of hearing it. He was tired of hearing how the sight of Alex caused pain and how Maria didn’t. How she was goodness and light and he was nothing but darkness and screaming. 

It wasn’t even about Maria because Alex could see how she could be good for Michael. It was like being compared to the shell of an Alex Manes that he had never gotten the chance to be. 

Alex had been as much for Michael as he could, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. 

“I probably deserved that. You think Valenti hasn’t brought that up already?” 

“Kyle should mind his own business.” 

“Yeah, well. He doesn’t,” Michael said. He stood and entered the kitchen, “Stay right there.” 

“Where am I going to go?” Alex asked, rolling his eyes, and he heard Michael snort in response. 

Michael came back carrying a mug of coffee and handed it to Alex, making sure to turn it so that he could take the handle one-handed. “Here.” 

“That’s not going to fix me,” Alex said as he bent his head to take a sip. It was lightened and sweetened just to his liking, and Alex wondered just how good Michael’s memory was, since he doubted that they’d had coffee together more than five times in the past few years. 

“Maybe not. But you do have a tendency to be irritable without it. So consider this a peace offering.” 

Alex couldn’t even turn his chair in another direction to avoid Michael’s stare, because he still didn’t have full use of his other arm. Once he got back to normal, he would like nothing more than to strap his father to a table and give him back everything he deserved. 

It had taken years for Alex to make peace with himself over his self-loathing tendencies and the humiliation he’d suffered as a teenager. 

And Jesse Manes had undone all that work in one afternoon. 

The control on his anger was slipping more every day, and he felt bad when he took it out on the people around him, but they were  _ always _ around him, so he didn’t know what they expected from him. He went from being a hermit, with only Kyle visiting him when they weren’t working together in the bunker, to having every single person who’d fucked him over in the past few months in the same house with him 24/7. He couldn’t be expected to handle that well, even if he hadn’t just been literally  _ tortured _ .

“When Maria gets here, I need you to go.” 

Michael looked down at him. “Why?” 

“That should be obvious,” Alex replied. 

If she showed up, and she and Michael looked at each other and then back to him with pity in their eyes, he didn’t know if he could handle it without hurting a lot of people’s feelings.

“Well, it is, but it isn’t. I thought you were okay with her being here?” 

“She acts more normal when you aren’t here,” Alex said simply. 

Michael seemed to consider that and nodded quietly. He reached for a bottle of pain pills and took one out, “Here. You haven’t taken your pill today. You have to be miserable.” 

Alex shook his head no. “I don’t want it.” 

“You like being in pain?” Michael asked in frustration as he slammed the pill back into the bottle and twisted the lid, obviously at the end of his rope in dealing with Alex today. “Is that something you learned in the military?” 

Alex narrowed his eyes, “No. From my father, remember?” 

Michael cursed, “Fuck, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” He sat down on the couch. 

Alex watched him. 

“I don’t know why I do that. It’s like I forget that he didn’t just hurt me,” Michael offers softly.

“Yeah, I know,” Alex snapped. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Michael straightened his back defensively.

Alex looked at him. “ _ Alex Manes. Back from Baghdad. Your father must be proud. Finally a real Manes man _ .”

Michael looked confused. 

“Christ, you don’t even remember, do you?” 

Michael shook his head. 

“When I first got home. At your Airstream. I couldn’t even say hello to you before you were comparing me to my father again. So I don’t know why you’re so surprised when I tell you that you do it.” 

Michael looked as if he remembered the incident now, and his eyes lowered. 

“Does  _ Run to Daddy _ sound familiar?” 

“Fuck,” Michael said softly. “Yeah, it does. But it’s not like I’m the only one. You’ve said a lot of shitty stuff to me, too.” 

“Yeah, I have. But I don’t think that reminding you that you’re wasting your life is on the same level as you telling me to run back to the man who physically and verbally abused me.” 

Alex wasn’t sure if he was being unfair, but he wasn’t going to coddle him anymore. Michael had his own demons, but whenever it suited his convenience, he forgot that so did Alex. 

Michael stood and stalked over to the front door. “I’m tired of being left.” 

Alex was tired of a lot of things. He was tired of people, tired of _Michael_ , acting like Alex was always the one at fault. He’d had enough of that throughout his life, and he wasn’t going to take it anymore. He’d spent months learning how to be himself and learning what he wanted for himself. Those were Michael-free months where he could figure out where his guilt ended and his father’s began. He was tired of Michael acting as if all his own pain was valid but that Alex’s was not. 

It was like Michael had built up a version of Alex in his head that wasn’t real.

He couldn’t figure out why Michael talked about his deployments in terms of Alex walking away from him. He’d  _ had _ to go. It hadn’t been negotiable, but sometimes it felt like Michael didn’t get that. And Alex knew Michael was smarter than that. 

“Me joining the Air Force wasn’t about leaving you. It was about protecting you. You are not allowed to use me leaving for my deployments against me anymore. I’m done having that be thrown in my face,” Alex said quietly.

Michael turned to look at him. “I’m not doing that!” 

“Yes, you are! You can be mad at me for joining, even though it won’t change anything. But you cannot count me leaving for every single deployment as just another time I left you behind. Like you’re trying to keep score but stacking the deck against me so that I’m always the one who bears more responsibility. Even if we’d stayed a couple, I  _ still  _ would have had to go. But if we had been a couple, my father would have destroyed you, and I would have been seven thousand miles away and unable to do a fucking thing about it. I refuse to feel guilty about it  _ anymore! _ ”

“You broke my fucking heart!” Michael shouted. “Every single time!” 

“And you broke mine!” Alex yelled back. “So what? We’re even now? Every time I tried to get close to you, tried to get to know you, you sniped and insulted and mocked me. Like you were trying your best to drive me away. But then when I did walk away so I could  _ stop _ hurting you, you got to blame me for that too. I’m tired of it!” 

“Well I’m tired of being unhappy all the time!” Michael yelled. “I’m tired of the nightmares and the memories. I’m tired of seeing my mother die every time I close my eyes and then open them to memories of Jesse Manes destroying her. I’m tired of being in pain every fucking day of my life!” Michael thrust his hands into his hair and sat down again.

“Then I guess it’s good that you moved on then. Since _all I do_ is cause you pain. Since _all I am_ is darkness and screaming and memories of things that have hurt you.”

Michael looked down, chastened. 

He knew Michael was having a hard time dealing with his trauma. Alex even understood it. He’d never had much of a relationship with his mother, so he couldn’t imagine what it would be like watching her die just minutes after finding her. He knew Michael was dealing with Max’s death too, and Alex would give anything for him to not have to deal with yet another death. But when Michael had looked him in the eye and said that Alex was the worst thing that had ever happened to him, despite all the deaths he’d seen, despite all of his loss, _ that _ had been devastating. Like Michael had seen nothing in Alex that wasn’t wrapped up in Jesse Manes. 

Alex didn’t know how he would even begin to forgive him for that.

Michael never even acted like he wanted forgiveness. He acted like he didn't care how much the words had hurt Alex. And Michael certainly didn't even try to deal with his trauma in ways other than drinking himself into a stupor. Alex couldn't be expected to just stand on the sidelines and allow the ownership of Michael's fears and trauma to be placed at his feet. That wasn't fair to Alex, and he wouldn't expect Michael to take responsibility for Alex's own fears and trauma. Alex understood Michael's pain, but he would be damned if he let Michael push all the blame onto him. 

Alex wasn't Jesse Manes.

“Do you honestly think I don’t see it when you look at me?” Alex replied softly. 

He was tired of being looked at like that. Like he was his father. Like he was a monster. 

Alex felt like a monster every day of his life, and he had since he went to war, but he’d naively thought that would stop when he got home.  Obviously, his penitence as a Manes wasn’t done yet because that hadn’t happened. 

All he’d wanted was to make a life for himself. One that involved music and Michael and happiness, and he hadn’t gotten  _ anything _ that he’d wanted. 

He probably never would. 

Michael took a ragged breath and stood, “I hear Maria’s truck. I should go.” 

“Fine,” Alex said. 

“I’m just going to be outside working on some of the things you need done around here. I’ll give you two privacy.” 

“Fine.” 

Alex put both hands on the wheels of his chair and pushed through the pain it caused the shoulder he’d had surgery on. Kyle would yell at him later, especially if he did any damage to his shoulder, but he needed out of this room. Now.

“Hey,” Maria said as she shut the screen door behind her. “Is everything okay?” 

Alex wheeled himself into his bedroom and didn’t listen in on their conversation. 

Maria followed him into his room a few minutes later and watched as he turned the chair around, “Do you need help? I can get Michael to come back.” 

“No, it’s fine.” Alex stood and hobbled to the bed as best he could, then he positioned himself leaning against the headboard. “Work okay?”

“The usual. Palm readings are getting popular though.” 

“That’s good.” 

Maria huffed with something that sounded like irritation. “Can we talk about this?” 

“I’m not in the mood, Maria.” 

Maria sat down on the end of his bed, “Please?”

Alex looked at her. “Why now? You’ve had months to talk to me about this but didn’t even try. So do you just feel sorry for me now?” 

Maria looked up, shocked. “No! I was afraid to approach you about it. I didn’t know how to talk to you about how I feel about him.” 

Alex often wondered if she had lied to him that day in the Wild Pony. If she had outright lied about the hook up with him not meaning anything. Or if she hadn’t even realized it then that there was more there between them. He would like to think it wasn’t that she’d lied to him, but he wasn’t sure. Maria didn’t lie. At least she never had when they were younger. 

Alex felt hypocritical about that since he wasn’t as good of a friend to her back then, as proven by the fact that he’d lied to her every day. About the abuse. About his goals in life. About his self-loathing and hatred for himself. About Michael. He’d lied to her a lot back then, so maybe this was retribution for him. A retribution she wasn’t even aware of. 

“I really like being with him,” Maria said softly. 

“Even if you had talked to me, if both of you had talked to me, what do you want me to say? That I’m okay with it?”

He really hoped that wasn’t what she was expecting because that was asking too much of him right now. Especially today.

“I don’t really know.” 

“You brought this up on the wrong day, Maria, because I am just about fed up. I’m  _ hurt _ . I’m hurt and angry, and I’m tired of people telling me that I don’t have a right to be either of those things.” 

“I didn’t say that,” Maria said questioningly. “Who said that?” 

“Didn’t you? You assumed that I  _ should _ be happy for you. Even after you knew how I felt about him.” 

“I can’t help how I feel about him!” Maria exclaimed as she stood. “I can’t control how he feels about me either!”

“I know that. Do you think I don’t realize what it’s like when Michael Guerin looks at you? When he gives you every bit of his attention? When he treats you like you’re the only person in his universe? You think I don’t understand him wanting to be with you? You’re beautiful and smart, and you smile like the sun. Of course he would want to be with you.” 

Maria looked confused. “So then you  _ do _ understand? Then why are you so angry?”

“I’m angry because the two of you made me feel like I’m nothing.”

Maria gasped, “Alex, I love you! You’re my family!” 

“You lied to me.  _ He _ lied to me. You didn’t even have the decency to  _ talk _ to me about it. You didn’t even bother finding out the truth because you didn’t want to hear it. You let Liz tell me, and you’d better believe she reminded me multiple times that I should get over myself and be happy for you. Two of the people that I love most in the world, the two people who I have always considered my family, decided that I’m  _ expendable _ in their lives. That how I feel about either of them doesn’t matter.” 

Maria’s eyes filled with tears, “We never meant to do that to you. I wanted to talk to you. I just didn’t know how.” 

“Shouldn’t that have been a message to you? If it was that hard to talk to me about it, that maybe there was something about it that wasn’t right?” 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Alex,” Maria snapped defensively. 

Alex would give her the benefit of the doubt on that because Maria was never cruel to anyone she cared about. But the truth of the matter is that she hadn’t asked for details. Maybe it was because she felt guilty. Maybe she didn’t care.  But he’s always known that her relationship with him was never as strong as her relationship with Liz. She would have never begun a relationship with someone that Liz was in love with. It wouldn’t have even occurred to her. But Alex’s involvement in that little equation was a different story.

“It’s true though. What I want doesn’t matter. It never has in my entire life. I’ve never gotten to be who I wanted or do what I wanted, and I certainly never got to love who I wanted.” 

Maria started to reach out for his good hand, but he pulled it back. 

“I don’t know how to fix this,” she said quietly.

“Maybe there isn’t any fixing this. There was a lesson I got reminded of when I came back from the hospital in Germany. When I first came back after losing my leg, not a single person I considered family asked me if I was okay. Not you. Not Michael. Hell even Kyle asked me, and that was when I still hated him.” 

Maria looked shocked, as if it hadn’t occurred to her to ask him. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Alex brushed off her apology. “What it comes down to is that it doesn’t matter if I’m okay. That was the lesson my dad taught me, and he was right. That was one thing the son of a bitch got right. What I want doesn’t matter. What I need doesn’t matter. Who I am doesn’t matter, at least to anybody but me.”

Maria wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at him. “That’s not true.” 

“I know you think that. But I’m tired, Maria. I’m tired of feeling like I’m the last person anyone in my  _ family _ even thinks about. It’s as if as long as I’m out of sight I’m out of mind too. Maybe that’s because I was away for so many years. Maybe it’s because I’m an asshole who doesn’t deserve friends. I don’t know. But what I do know is that you and Michael… you can do whatever you want. I don’t intend to interfere. But you don’t get to try and placate me.” 

“I’m not trying to placate you!”

“Aren’t you? You want me to get over myself so you can stop feeling guilty. But in the very next breath you’re telling me and Liz that you have nothing to feel guilty about!”

“You have to stop punishing me for who I love!” Maria yelled. 

“I’m not punishing you,” Alex ground out. “I’m setting boundaries with people who have hurt me. And if this hadn’t involved you, you would be the  _ first _ person to tell me that I needed to do that. You would have been the first person I wanted to talk to when it happened. You would have offered to slash the tires of the person the  _ love of my life _ left me for.”

Maria looked away from him and out the window. 

“Remember when you said home can be a person? He’s mine. And in some ways, so were you. But the two of you made me feel like I didn’t matter. And my anger at you and my anger at Michael are two different things because even if you didn’t care,  _ he _ was supposed to be the one person who didn’t do that to me.” 

Maria looked at him sadly, but stood and said nothing. Then she walked out the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Conversation between Michael and Maria. Alex does not make an appearance but he is talked about.

Michael stood at the door of the Wild Pony deliberating whether to go inside. 

Valenti had the entire weekend off, so he’d taken watch over Alex so that Michael could have a break. But really, Michael figured it was so that Alex could have a break from  _ Michael _ . 

He’d spent the last two nights drinking since he didn’t have to be sober and on guard, and this would be night three.  __

_ If  _ he went inside. 

He and Maria hadn’t talked yet since both of them were at Alex’s cabin, but she’d asked him to be available this weekend so that they could. She was upset over the conversation earlier in the week, and Michael really didn’t want to rehash it but he’d promised her he would. The yelling between the two of them was louder than what he’d heard between Alex and Maria, but he was sure that whatever they’d said to each other, he was partly to blame. 

Or completely to blame.

Everything was so fucked up right now. He was useless to Liz. When he was actually sober, he was spending more time watching over Alex than he was in the lab. He felt guilty for that, but at least Isobel was trying to help Liz. He was torn between throwing all of his energy into finding a way to bring Max back, because as much as he and Max fought, Michael could really use his brother right now, and watching over Alex while they waited for Jesse Manes’ axe to fall. 

But he felt useless at Alex’s because all he seemed to do there was piss Alex off. 

He felt useless to Maria, because when he did get to spend time with her, it was usually in the bar, and then Michael drank. 

He was useless to them  _ all _ because he couldn’t seem to stop the drinking. Even when he wasn’t at the bar, he was chugging down acetone when nobody was paying attention. 

Except for maybe Alex, though he hadn’t brought it up. 

Alex never seemed to miss anything, so Michael knew there would eventually be a conversation about it. 

He’d been drinking daily for years, and his acetone use was getting worse, worse than it’s ever been since his hand was broken. Even he could recognize that. 

But the alcohol and acetone at least helped to prevent him from dreaming. He was usually passed out cold, and then he didn’t have to watch his mother die over and over again. He didn’t have to see Max’s unmoving form on the cave floor, and he didn’t have to think about how he couldn’t do anything to save either one of them. He didn’t have to see Alex swearing not to leave him alone at the prison, terrifying him with Alex’s willingness to die for him. He didn’t have to see a repeat of Jesse Manes and that hammer. 

But while his dreaming hours were somewhat quiet, he could see how the drinking was affecting his waking hours. 

He couldn’t seem to become the version of himself that he’d wanted the night he chose not to continue on the course of self-destruction that he and Alex always seemed to be on. 

He didn’t even know how to be  _ any _ version of himself anymore.

Maria had been a comforting respite from his past, at least until she’d been read in on the alien situation. Then she’d just been mad that nobody had brought up Max’s abilities when Mimi Deluca needed them. 

Michael understood that. Secrets were desperate fuckers, and those who kept them never seemed to care who else might suffer for them. 

He’d held her and promised her that as soon as Max was saved that he would insist that Max do what he could for Mimi when he was able. Michael had slept at her place that night and held her as she cried… over her anger with Liz and her guilt over Alex... and for her mother. 

He whispered validations to her that it wasn’t fair that they’d kept that information to themselves. 

Michael was a hypocrite though. 

He’d sat there with one arm around her to let her cry on his shoulder about how many people had lied to her, all the while reminding himself that  _ he’d  _ never intended to tell Maria about his secret. 

Liz had done it. 

She’d done it because she couldn’t explain where Max had gone and she hadn’t wanted to lie to Maria anymore.  Which was more noble than what Michael had done, which was ignore it and hope that it wouldn’t become an issue. 

Maria had forgiven them, because she was a forgiving person. 

She was too good for Michael, that’s for sure.  She was too good to be with someone who almost always had someone else on his mind. 

He walked into the Wild Pony a few hours before it was actually open, and Maria was preparing for the night’s customers. He strolled through the tables and sat down at the bar, sliding his hat onto the seat next to him. 

“Hey, Maria,” Michael said the moment she looked at him.

“Hey,” she smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes, and Michael realized that this was the same look she’d had for the past month or so. 

He’d just never paid attention. 

“So are you here for  _ me  _ or to drink?” she asked with a slightly judgmental tone. 

Michael closed his eyes and sighed. 

She was worried about the two of them, about him, about Alex, about her relationship with Liz, and he could kick himself for not thinking about it, for not caring about it enough to talk to her. 

But in his defense, he was tired, and his mind had been too focused on the whirlwind of information he’d been given over the past few days, and his mind was overwhelmed even on the best days.

“I want to say both, but I feel like that would be the wrong answer.” 

Maria frowned but poured him a short glass of whiskey and pushed it across the bar. 

He took a swig of it and looked at her, “Okay. So go ahead.” 

Maria sighed. “First of all, why is this even happening? Liz told me that Alex wanted to hire himself someone who could help him every day. Why is that not happening and why are you the one so set on staying there?” 

Michael swallowed another mouthful. “It’s a long story. But nothing is going on.” 

“I know that, but I have a feeling that nothing is going on because of  _ Alex _ instead of you. I have seen the way you look at him.” 

Michael glared, “I wouldn’t cheat on you.” 

Maria looked as if she wasn't sure she could believe him. “I will give you the benefit of the doubt about that. Now why are you and Kyle the designated babysitters?”

“Fuck, you didn’t use that word around Alex, did you?” 

“No, I’m not stupid, Michael, even though there are a lot of people in my life that seem to think I am.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Michael asked defensively. 

“It means that I’m being kept out of the loop, again. I just recovered from the fact that I made a trip to see a faith healer… with people who knew there was one right in front of me but just didn’t feel like my mother’s medical condition was important enough to care about.” 

Damn. She didn’t pull punches when she was angry. She and Alex had a lot in common, but that probably had a lot to do with them growing up together. 

“We fucked that up, Maria. No argument there. I will make that up to you.” 

“I know you will because I will  _ make you _ follow through with it.” 

Michael nodded and sipped his drink. 

“Alex’s former CO wants me and Kyle to watch out for him because we were right in our assumption that Jesse Manes was involved with Alex’s disappearance.” 

“That figures. He always was a sick son of a bitch,” Maria said snidely, and Michael couldn’t agree with her more. “Alex thinks I don’t know a lot of what his father did to him when we were young, but I do. Mom tried to intervene but Jim Valenti told her he was going to handle it.” 

“Yeah, well, he didn’t as far as I know.”

Michael looked down at his hand and then back to her. She didn’t even know exactly how much evil Jesse Manes had done. She wasn’t aware of how Michael’s hand had been injured, just that it had been healed by Max, during the big reveal when she was told about the existence of aliens. She didn’t know about Michael’s mother because he hadn’t wanted to talk about it with her. 

“Jesse Manes is who crushed my hand.” 

Maria gasped. “What?” Her eyes darted to his left hand.

“He caught Alex and me together when we were seventeen, and he tried to choke Alex. Was probably going to kill him, because he had a hammer in his hand. I got in the way and then he used it on me,” Michael gulped down more whiskey and took the bottle out of her hand to pour another one.

Maria put her fingers over her mouth in shock, “Oh my god. That’s why he joined up. I knew there was something wrong. His face was so _blank_ when I tried to talk to him about it. Like he wasn’t even there, and when I read his aura, it had changed. But he never said anything no matter how many times I asked.” 

Michael scoffed, “Apparently. Says he did it to protect me.” 

“Why do you sound like you don’t believe that?” 

“Because sometimes I don’t.” 

Maria put her hand on her hip and stared at him, and Michael got the feeling she was judging him again. 

“Why else would he join up? He  _ never _ wanted to be in the military. He wanted to play music and get the hell out of this town to somewhere he could be himself. Where he could be safe from him. You, of all people, know what Jesse Manes is capable of. If Alex thought doing it would keep  _ anybody _ safe, especially the people he loves, then he’d do it no matter how much he didn’t want to.”

Michael looked at her, a sliver of regret piercing through him. “I never thought about it that way.” 

“I would bet my bar that his father had something held against him. You didn’t see him a lot until high school. His dad was a monster almost all of Alex’s life. Mom always said that she could tell that Jesse Manes was a bad seed.” 

He didn’t tell her about Jesse Manes’ punishment of Alex after that night in the tool shed. He doubted that Alex wanted anybody else to know. 

Alex could keep secrets almost as well as Michael could.

“I always thought he was ashamed of me. That being seen with me in public was humiliating for him.” 

Maria reached across the bar and tugged his face up, “I remember what I said to you in Texas. If I ever made you feel that way, I’m sorry. But believe me, if Alex didn’t want to be seen in public, it was because of what his father could, and would, do to him in private. It didn’t have  _ anything _ to do with you.” 

“He said I was  _ wasting my life _ and accused me of making meth,” Michael said crossly.

What was wrong with him? Was he _ trying _ to find reasons to hate Alex now? Michael knew he couldn’t hate Alex, no matter what happened between them. But he now understood that maybe Alex hated him, because Michael had been guilty of the things he said. Using the deployments against Alex. Telling Alex about his ship to share something with him only to scare him off by telling Alex that he was planning to leave the planet. And then blaming him for walking away after Michael admitted that he wanted to leave Earth.

Alex was right about some other things too. Accusing Michael of making meth was a far cry from Michael telling Alex that he was the worst thing that ever happened to Michael. That _their love_ was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. Especially since he knew now that he’d only been echoing a sentiment that Jesse Manes used against him. 

And Michael _was_ wasting his life staying in Roswell when he’d had such a hopeful future ten years ago. He was wasting his life by drinking it away and pushing away anybody who tried to be there for him. He was so caught up in Alex leaving that he blamed everything that went wrong with his life on the fact that Alex wasn't there. 

For a genius, he  _ was _ a dumbass. And cruel sometimes. And unfair. 

Michael fell into a spiral of shame over how many cruel things he’s said to Alex over the years. Just because he was angry.  He had taken all of his anger over everything from his past and had directed it at the one person who had always made him feel like he had a home here. 

Instead of at the people who deserved it. What was _wrong_ with him?

Maria looked at him, “I believe  _ Max _ thought that about you at least once, if you’ll remember. About two years ago? When Valenti was investigating the increase in meth distribution.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Michael rolled his eyes, “and I wasn’t. I was placed with a foster family that made meth. The people who know me  _ should know _ that I wouldn’t do that!” 

Maria sighed. “Maybe so. But Michael, you do not make it easy to get to know you. You throw up walls whenever anybody tries to get close. It’s frustrating. I’m not blaming you for it, because I know you had a rough childhood. But people can’t  _ know _ you if you don’t _ let _ them.” 

Michael looked at her, and this time he had a feeling she was talking about her. About them. 

And he couldn’t help but feel like he wanted to be having this conversation with Alex instead. 

_ Fuck.  _

Maria took a breath, and the sound of it caught Michael’s attention. “What?” 

“I’ve been trying to figure out how to ask you something. But I’ve also been trying to convince myself not to ask it.” She looked nervous. And tired. “Because part of me wants to ignore it.”

She looked disappointed but also determined, proving to him that he was screwing up with her just as royally as he’d screwed up with Alex. 

“Why are you defending him all of a sudden? I thought you were mad at him,” Michael interrupted to put her off the question she wanted to ask.  He didn’t know what it was, but he could guess, and he would bet that it wasn’t something he wanted to answer. 

Maria poured herself a finger of whiskey and threw it back. Her bracelets jangled and his eyes were caught by the one made of rope. Alex had given it to her years ago. 

“Because even though I’m still mad at him for the things he said, I have to admit that he was right about some of them.” 

Michael sighed and poured another drink, even though he knew he should stop by now. He pulled out his bottle of acetone and added a splash of it. 

Fuck it. This was an uncomfortable conversation, and Michael wanted to drink.

“I talked to Liz and Max, and it turns out that to support us,” she waved between the two of them. “They pretty much told Alex that  _ he _ should support us and that he didn’t have the right to be upset. And I basically told him the same thing. Not in so many words. But I hinted at it during the conversation.” 

Michael ran his hands through his hair, “I have fucked up so much lately, I don’t know if I remember how not to.” 

“He also reminded me that if this hadn’t involved  _ me _ , that I would have been the person telling him to set boundaries with the people who’ve hurt him. That _ I  _ would have been the first person he wanted to talk to about it. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?” Maria had tears in her eyes. 

“It’s not your fault,” Michael reached across the bar and took her hand. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Didn’t I? I knew how he felt about you but I purposely didn’t talk to him about it because I wanted you.” 

“You’re not responsible for how he feels,” Michael said softly. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to find happiness. Wherever you can find it.” 

Maria looked at him, “But  _ are _ we happy? Because if we aren’t, then you and I have driven away a very important person in our lives for nothing.” 

Michael wiped away tears that he felt on his cheek. “Honestly. No, I’m not happy. But that’s not on us. It’s because of Max. And because of Alex.” 

And his mother, but he still felt like he couldn’t bear to discuss that with her. 

He could see Maria steel herself. 

“Do you love me? Do you feel  _ anything _ for me that’s as strong as what you feel for Alex? Don’t lie to me about it. I see how you look at him, and I see how he looks at you. A few months ago, I might have believed that bullshit about you two being over, but I don’t believe it now. I saw you fall apart when he went missing. And I saw Alex when he was ranting at me. He was hurt. Maybe more hurt than he was angry.” 

Michael swallowed nervously. “I don’t know what I feel for you. I feel like I  _ could _ love you, but sometimes I think I don’t even know what that feels like because I’ve spent so much time avoiding it. And sometimes, I think that I don’t know how to love anybody the way…” he stopped. 

He hadn't intended to say that, even though now he could recognize it as the truth.

“The way you love Alex?” Maria asked softly, with fresh tears in her eyes. 

Michael knew now that this conversation was the end of them. Of their relationship.

It couldn’t  _ not _ be, because even if she loved him, she deserved more than someone who would never love her the way they loved someone else. 

“Loving him scares me.” 

“Because of his father? You guys are going to fix that problem.” 

“I was supposed to meet him the day I came here. I told him I’d meet him, but then I didn’t show up. I didn’t even think about why. I just came here. But I realize now that I was scared. He had finally shown up to tell me that he wanted to be with me, and that he wasn’t going to walk away, and I couldn’t handle it. Then Max died, and I just… lost it.” 

Maria squeezed his hand. “You’ll get Max back, too.” 

God, Michael didn’t deserve her.  But sometimes he felt like he didn’t deserve anyone, so that conclusion shouldn’t be a surprise to him. 

Michael lifted his glass to his lips, “It’s easier to put hope into someone who never stays. Because if they never stay, then they never see how fucked up you are.” 

Maria smiled sadly. “But then you also never get to have that hope shining back at you. And believe me, I’ve seen the kind of aura Alex Manes has. And that hopefulness he carries inside him has always been about  _ you _ . I had no right to interfere with that.  _ We  _ had no right to interfere with that.” 

Michael held back a sob, “I fucked up bad, Maria.” 

Maria looked startled at his emotional outburst, “What did you do? What do you mean?”

“I told him that he was the worst thing that ever happened to me,” Michael sniffled as he pressed his fingers against his eyes, to stem the flow of tears. 

If he let all of them out now, he’d never stop.

“Oh, Michael,” Maria sounded like she pitied him, and he couldn’t help but remember how much pity pissed off Alex. 

He understood the feeling because he’d been pitied off and on over the years. It sucked. But it sucked more right now because he had to admit that having someone pity him for his fuck ups and not his childhood was a new thing for him. 

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” Michael asked desperately. 

He could handle this if she would just curse at him or ban him from the bar. 

“I can’t be mad at someone just because he loves someone else more than me. And I can’t be mad at giving us a try, because I learned a lot from this.” 

Michael laughed wetly, “Yeah? What did you learn?” 

“Alex said this thing the other day. And I’ve been thinking about it since.” Maria looked at him seriously. 

“What?”

“He said he understood why you would choose me. And why I would choose you. I can’t remember it word for word because I was too mad at him at the time. But it was something about how you look at who you want like they’re the only thing in the universe for you. And that he knew how it feels when you give someone all your attention.” 

“Jesus, I’m an asshole.” Michael looked down, feeling sick at his stomach.

Maria reached out and pulled his chin until he was looking at her. “I realized afterwards that you  _ don’t _ give me your full attention, and you really never have. You _ don’t _ look at me like I’m the only thing in the universe for you.” 

“I’m sorry,” Michael choked out. 

“Don’t be. I’m not some thirteen year old girl involved in a teen melodrama love triangle. I’m an adult, and I can admit that I deserve someone who  _ does _ look at me like that. If that’s not you, then we need to stop this before all of us get hurt in ways that we can’t repair.”

Michael nodded. “Will you be okay?” 

Maria shrugged, “I fell for you, so maybe not for a while. But I want you to know that this isn’t about Alex. I’m not giving you up because I think you belong with him or anything. This is about what  _ I need, _ and what  _ I want _ . I don’t want to be someone that gets settled for. I want  _ my own _ story. I want someone who loves me so much that they can’t stop thinking about  _ me _ . Not someone who thinks of someone else.” 

Michael stood and squeezed her hand, “You deserve that. I’m sorry that it’s not me.” 

“So am I, to be honest,” Maria smiled sadly. 

“Even if we’re done, it’s not like he’s ever going to forgive me. What I said to him, I found out that his dad used to say it to him all the time to make him hate himself.” 

Maria pressed her fingers against her lips, and he saw more tears fall. 

Michael thought back to their argument, the one where he’d fucked up and said something so devastating to Alex that it had driven him away for good. 

He remembered what Alex had said. About Michael and Maria. 

That Michael was just as focused on how much _better_ Maria was supposed to make him feel as he was on how _bad_ that Alex made him feel. 

He told Michael that he didn’t see Alex or Maria as people. That he hadn't looked at either of them in terms of what kind of a relationship he wanted from them. 

And he was right. 

Maria was supposed to be balm for his soul, but because Michael couldn’t, _and didn’t want_ , to meet her halfway, it was never going to work. 

She was better than that, and he’d had no right to try and use her to fix him. 

He was going to have to fix himself. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got much longer than I intended because Alex and Maria wanted to talk some more. No Michael in this one.

“Does Valenti know you’re out here?” 

Alex turned in his seat to see Jenna Cameron come around the corner of his cabin, wearing civvies since it was her day off, and he gestured for her to come out where he was, in the middle of a grassy area. One of the first things he’d done when he inherited the cabin was to organize a set up in the back for days when he wanted to do his PT outside. 

He also had a target practice area, since he no longer got regular base-time for keeping up with his firearm skills, not like he did when he was still in the Air Force. He was far enough from any neighbors that he didn’t think any of it would bother them. And since he was outside the city limits, he never had to worry about the Sheriff's office showing up to give him a warning. 

Alex couldn’t afford to get rusty, since he had been known as one of the best in his squadron. He’d pushed himself in training with the sole purpose of being able to disarm his father and brothers, but none of his Airmen friends had ever known that. 

They thought he just wanted to show off. 

He’d never wanted to tell them that his dedication was for survival rather than for bragging rights. He enjoyed the ribbing and comradery that came with the pissing contests, and it would have spoiled what little bit of enjoyment he’d had in the Air Force to associate that with his past.

Alex smiled at Jenna. 

A woman was following her. She looked like a younger version of Jenna, so it had to be Charlie. Jenna was grinning by the time she spotted him and headed over. 

Alex scoffed, “You know my stats. You think I’m going to let a little broken leg keep me down?” 

Jenna laughed and plopped down into the chair beside him. He, well _Kyle_ , had set out a circle of stadium chairs for them to take breaks. It would be nice to get some physical activity in, since he’d been lying around a lot since he’d gotten out of the hospital.

“This is my sister, Charlie,” Jenna said proudly. “And Charlie,  _ this _ is Alex Manes.” 

Charlie’s eyes went wide, and then she bent down to hug him. Alex was surprised by the sudden movement, but at least it hadn’t triggered anything for him. His PTSD symptoms were sometimes triggered by quick movements, but in general, it was more aggressiveness from males that bothered him. It was more a product of his childhood than it was his military service. 

He had an easier time processing gunshots than he did the sound of a swinging hammer. 

“Thank you,” Charlie whispered. “I don’t know how. But whatever you need.  _ Whenever  _ you need it. I got your back.” 

“You sound just like your sister,” Alex joked, and Charlie smiled. 

Jenna looked lighter than he’d ever seen her, and it was nice. If nothing else, Alex had done someone some good in his life. 

“So, where are your students?” Jenna glanced around. “I see no one.” 

“They’re on their way. At least Liz and Rosa are. Isobel said she was running behind.” 

Jenna gestured at his set up, the wheelchair parked near his chair, and his crutches nearby. 

“No offense, but how the hell did you get out here?” 

“Sheer determination,” Alex answered with a smirk. 

“You know.. with you, I wouldn’t even question that.” 

Alex laughed, “There are some beers in the cooler if you want. Or non-alcoholic drinks if you prefer. And honestly, I got out here on the crutches. Kyle brought the wheelchair out. I’m not Superman, but I’m also not completely helpless.” 

Jenna got up and reached into the cooler, grabbed three beers and passed them out. “So what’s the plan here?” 

“Well, since we aren’t dealing with anything  _ unusual _ ,” Alex looked at her, not forgetting that Charlie was new to this and may not know about the existence of aliens. “What we need is self defense. My father won’t hesitate to come after anyone. I may not be able to be there for everyone, but I will make damn sure that my friends have a way to defend themselves.” 

Jenna raised an eyebrow, “And Maria? Is she coming?” 

Alex looked at her again, and he wondered exactly how she knew. “I don’t know. She was invited. Of everyone close to me, my father knows how close I am to Maria and Liz. And by extension, Rosa. She could be in danger just because of her history.” 

“My girl here,” Jenna kicked out at her sister’s leg, “isn’t allowed to handle firearms. Part of the deal with her release.” 

Alex winked at Charlie, “Can you throw a punch?” 

Charlie laughed, “Oh yeah. Definitely.” 

“We should let her kick Valenti’s ass for practice,” Jenna suggested. 

Alex snorted, “Knowing him, he might enjoy that.” 

Charlie laughed, “Who is Valenti?” 

“He’s coming back. He went to get pizzas since they don’t deliver out here. You can meet him then. But be forewarned, he flirts.” 

“Just what I need then. Do you know how long it’s been since anybody but a creepy correctional officer has hit on me?”

Alex frowned at that. She was joking, but he had a feeling that it wasn’t something that people often thought about, the vulnerability of women in that kind of situation. It had been something that Alex’s father had taken advantage of, suggesting that it was one of the ways that someone could hurt Charlie if Jenna didn’t cooperate with him. 

Jenna probably had just as much reason to want Jesse Manes dead as Alex did. 

Charlie got up suddenly, “I’ll be right back.” 

Jenna shrugged at him as they watched her walk back to the other side of the cabin. 

“Does Charlie know?” Alex asked. 

“No. I can’t decide. It’s not my secret, you know? It was Max’s.” 

Alex looked at her. 

She left Roswell before Max had died, but he knew she’d been filled in by Kyle. Jenna was a lot like him, he thought. Kept things close to her vest, but when she went all in, she was all in. He wished he had her kind of courage. 

And he didn’t mean the kind they gave out medals for.

Charlie came running back, with a sharpie in her hand. She knelt down to Alex’s broken leg. 

“Did you break any bones in high school?” she asked.

He had. But it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about, so he just shook his head. 

“Well, I’m signing your cast, and I can’t believe that nobody has done it yet. What kind of friends do you have?” Charlie tutted and pointed to the cast, “Unless you don’t want me to?” 

Alex smiled at her. “Knock yourself out.” 

She grinned, and he didn’t know how much younger she was than Jenna, but she looked no more than eighteen when she smiled. He could see why Jenna was so protective of her. 

Charlie had written her name, with Team Alex in quotes underneath it. 

Alex laughed as he looked at it. “Team Alex?” 

Charlie frowned at him, “Well, I can’t use Team Manes, now can I? I know what your dad tried to do to me and Jenna. And he’s a Manes.” 

Alex felt a sense of relief when he thought about it. At least there were a few people who didn’t automatically think of his father when they looked at Alex or talked to him. And he knew that the Cameron sisters had just as much of a reason to hate him. But they didn’t. 

It was comforting.

They heard the sound of another car pulling in and shouted out the directions to them when he heard the door shut. 

“Hey, Alex.” Liz called as she and Rosa came around the corner. 

Rosa looked good, but it was sometimes disconcerting that she didn’t look a day older. It must have been strange for Liz to start bonding with her sister again yet having Rosa become the younger sibling. 

Rosa looked happy, but Liz looked haggard and upset. 

Kyle had bullied her into taking a break from the lab, citing the fact that she was doing most of it by herself as the reason she needed a break. Kyle said she hadn’t argued, but she didn’t seem to want to do it. 

Rosa’s suggestion that they use it to learn how to protect themselves from people like Noah and Jesse Manes had been the final point they used to convince her. 

Jenna stood and handed her a beer she’d fished out of the cooler, “You look like you could use this.” 

Liz smiled at her, “Thanks.” 

The two women looked at each other, but unlike the discomfort that always seemed to be there between Alex and Maria, the two of them seem to be communicating without words. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” Liz said as she sat on one of the chairs. 

“Me too. And well, it’s Max.” 

Liz smiled sadly, “Thank you.” 

Jenna tipped her head back with a nod, “No problem.” 

Charlie seemed to have found a kindred spirit in Rosa, because Alex turned to find them introducing themselves and talking quietly on the other side of the makeshift circle they’d set up. 

Charlie should be a few years older than Rosa was. It might be nice for Rosa to have someone to talk to that wasn’t the rest of them. The “old ones,” as Rosa had crowned them during her first week back. 

“Alex Manes!” 

He’d know Isobel’s voice from anywhere, and he turned to Rosa. “This okay with you?” 

Rosa tossed her hair and looked at him, “Yeah. I know it wasn’t  _ her _ . It took some time to get over the fear of her. But I’m okay.” 

Charlie looked between them, and Rosa’s face became a complicated attempt at nonverbal communication that made Alex want to laugh out loud. But he remembered what Rosa used to do to him whenever he laughed at her. 

He wasn’t going to risk that kind of trouble again. Not since that incident in freshman year.

“If it gets to the point where you’re not, you’ll tell us, right?” Liz piped up and then sipped her beer. 

“Yes,” Rosa rolled her eyes. “You’ve turned out just like Dad.” 

Liz nearly spit out her drink, “I am not. I’m…  _ fun _ .” 

Alex snorted, “Fun. Yeah, that’s the word for it.” 

Liz glared at him. 

She’d come to the cabin two days ago, after a talk she’d said she had with Maria. She had apologized to Alex and told him that she hadn’t realized that she’d been a crappy friend to him about the Michael situation. He’d nodded in acknowledgement of her apology. He told her some of his relationship with Michael, and he knew she was torn between being supportive of both him and Maria.

Then Alex had reminded her that she didn’t have to put any effort into that at all because they were supposed to be there for each other, and she had enough to deal with regarding Max and her research. 

Then he'd called himself a crappy friend too. Because he had been. He'd holed up to avoid Michael and Maria when Liz had needed him. That had been unfair and selfish.

They’d hugged, had cried it out, and they’d promised each other that they’d both do better. 

Then he’d told her to invite Maria today, because every person he considered to be special in his life needed this. Liz had smiled and agreed to talk to her. 

“Back here!” Alex yelled. 

“Alright, whose bright idea was it to have this here and  _ outside _ ?” 

“You were thinking of learning to shoot  _ inside _ Alex’s cabin?” Jenna smirked. 

“Oh shut up, Cameron,” Isobel sat and crossed her legs. “I meant we could have used the shooting range at the country club. So, is there any wine or are we just going with this?” She gestured to what Liz was drinking. 

Alex looked at her, and beneath the complaining and seemingly entitled behavior, he could see that she was tired. “I have wine inside if you want to go get it.” 

Isobel stood, “It’s the cheap stuff, isn’t it?” She looked down at him.    


“Yes,” Alex smirked as he took a sip of his drink. 

She sighed as if the world had disappointed her and then walked towards the cabin. 

“At least it’s better than the rotgut available at the Wild Pony,” she said loudly as she walked around the corner. 

“Save your one-liners for when Maria gets here,” Alex shouted at her retreating back. 

“They still hate each other?” Jenna asked with a smile. 

“I’m assuming. The dynamic could have changed, but I doubt it.” 

“Someone’s going to get shot, aren’t they?” Liz asked, sighing as if it was inevitable.

  
  


A few hours later, after Kyle returned with the pizzas, and Maria had arrived quietly, Alex was watching them all from his seat. He’d been up and down for the past few hours, but the weight of the cast made him more fatigued the longer he stood. 

So he’d quietly asked Jenna to keep going. She was on point with all of this, and it was the main thing he’d wanted her help with when he’d asked her for it weeks ago. She had military experience and had taught a self-defense course while both active military and since she’d retired. 

It would also be helpful in case Rosa, or even Isobel, had issues with learning self-defense from a man. He didn’t think either of them was actually afraid of Alex, or of Kyle, but he wanted them to have options. 

Their comfort about the situation was just as important as their need to defend themselves. 

Though, he’d heard rumors that Liz’s right hook was fierce. And while Isobel could now explode things with her mind, she also wanted options for when she couldn’t use her powers. 

The whole thing had been her idea, the idea of learning from people other than Michael, who didn’t want her to put herself into any situations that might harm her. She’d ranted to Alex about how Max and Michael had made decisions for her for all her life and how she’d ended up married to a man who’d spent their entire marriage manipulating both her mind and her body. He didn’t blame her for wanting to learn anything she could to protect herself in the future. 

It had been Alex’s idea to bring in the other people he loved to work on it. Even Kyle needed some help getting past his gun phobia. While he’d been completely against it from the start, he couldn’t argue with Alex when Alex reminded him that Jesse Manes didn’t care if he had a phobia. And that the man had already tried to kill Kyle once. 

Then Kyle was on board. 

“Alex, do you think you can disarm Kyle?” Jenna called, obviously reacting to some kind of taunt that Kyle had thrown at her. One that Alex hadn’t heard.

Alex snorted as he stood, “Yes.” 

Kyle looked offended. “You can’t just let me have this?” 

Alex grinned and put his drink down. “You know I can’t let a challenge go.” 

Kyle rolled his eyes, “Let’s not. I don’t want to do anything that will hurt you.” 

Alex’s lifted an eyebrow, “Oh really?” 

Kyle pointed at him, “I didn’t mean anything by that. But you have to admit you’re a bit off your game right now.” 

“Off my game?” Alex taunted. “How would you know I’m off my game. You haven’t even  _ seen  _ my game.” 

“Now, now boys. This is getting a little too flirty for me,” Jenna laughed as she pushed Kyle farther into the field. “Valenti, just come let Manes grab your gun.” 

“ _ How _ do you make that sound dirty?” Kyle asked her. “How?” 

“It’s a gift. Now shut up and maybe Manes will go easy on you.” 

“Not likely,” Alex smirked at he grabbed his crutches and made his way over to Kyle. 

“Alex if you fall, I swear….” Liz said. 

“I’ll be fine. And if I fall, well, we conveniently have a doctor here to treat me.” 

Rosa laughed, “Should we take bets here?” 

Maria smiled at Alex, “I’ve got twenty on Alex.” 

Alex nodded at her. “Anybody else?”

“Well, I’m going to bet on Alex too,” Liz added. 

“Me too, but I don’t have any money,” Charlie piped up. 

“Don’t worry. Valenti will be paying everybody,” Jenna winked at them. 

“That’s not how bets work,” Kyle argued. “Isobel, come on. Help me out here.”

Isobel sat back and eyed him like he was prey. “Oh no. I have to see this. Then maybe we can each have a turn trying to grab your _gun?_ ” 

Liz snorted, “He might surprise you.” 

“Thank you, Liz!” Kyle called, obviously relieved that someone might have faith in him. 

“Oh no, I still think Alex will win,” Liz waved sweetly. “But you looked like you needed a little moral support.” 

Alex positioned himself and dropped his crutches. He knew all he needed was to adjust for his center of balance being different. He’d learned it when he was relearning how to walk after his injury. He was almost as good on the prosthetic now as he had been with his leg. The main problem he always had was at the end of the day, when he’d been standing or walking too long. Once the chafing set in, there's was nothing he could do to make it feel any better. 

So no, pain was wasn’t a problem right now because he’d been resting off and on. 

He got into a stance that centered his gravity and he let the bottom of his cast touch the ground. He could use it to pivot in a pinch, if he felt like he couldn’t get around with the prosthesis. 

“Okay Kyle. Point the gun at me.” 

“I do not want to do this,” Kyle looked at him. 

“If you really don’t want to, we won’t,” Alex reassured him. He didn’t want Kyle uncomfortable either. “But I will be okay. I promise.” 

Kyle nodded and then raised the gun at him. 

Within seconds, Alex had rotated Kyle’s arm and had the gun in his own hand, pointing it towards the ground. It was a little bit more difficult with the cast, but not much. 

He didn’t want to point it at Kyle because the man had already admitted to having a problem with the whole idea of guns.

“Holy shit,” Isobel called. “That was hot.” He turned to find her and Liz mock-fanning themselves. 

“Remind me of this when I piss you off again,” Kyle said quietly. 

Alex laughed. “I keep telling you that I’m not helpless. I had to argue over the phone with Chambers again today about it. When he called to tell me to keep the SUV.” 

Alex turned quickly and unloaded the gun into the target they’d set up yards away from them. 

“ _Hello_ ,” Liz called out. “What have you done with Alex Manes?” 

“You know I’m just doing this for attention, Liz,” Alex grinned.

He looked at Isobel, who was fanning herself with exaggeration and grinning at him.

Kyle shook his head. “Nice. But if I go out there and you’ve hit it in the center every time, I’m going home.” 

“Now, who is going to try shooting?” Alex returned the gun to Jenna, who began reloading it.

Alex looked down at the crutches, “Fuck.” 

He’d let them fall to the ground, forgetting that he would have no way of picking them up again. 

Kyle crowed, “See, you _ do _ need me!” 

“Just get me the damned crutches, Valenti.” 

Kyle did as he commanded and then saluted Alex. He leaned in to whisper, “I’m going to go watch some very attractive women intimidate me with firearms.” 

“You have some interesting kinks,” Alex whispered back. 

Alex made his way back to his seat to find Maria in the one next to him. 

He sighed. “I don’t want to fight.” 

She watched as Rosa took her turn with the gun. “Thank you for doing this.” 

Alex nodded. 

“She needs this. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, and when I read her, I get the feeling that she’s scared, no matter how much of a facade she puts on.” 

Alex nodded again and sipped his drink. 

“Are you ever going to talk to me the way we used to?” Maria asked softly. 

“I don’t know. I love you Maria, and I love Michael, but I’m finding it hard to trust anything either one of you say.” 

Maria leaned back in her chair, “That’s fair, I guess. But I  _ am  _ sorry. And I thought you should know that we broke up.” 

He turned to look at her, but he couldn’t read the expression on her face. It didn’t seem as if she wanted him to thank her, which he definitely wouldn’t do even if she  _ had _ wanted that. Michael wasn’t a prize.

She looked upset, but not devastated. 

“Why?” Alex asked quietly. 

“It wasn’t for you, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Maria said firmly. 

“Believe me, I didn’t think it was,” Alex said quietly. 

He knew that nobody in his life made decisions that were solely for Alex. That were solely to help him or be there for him, or to  _ love _ him. Not anymore. 

Kyle came the closest, and he wasn’t perfect, but their relationship was improving. 

But just once, Alex wanted someone who thought he was worth it. 

And if Michael hadn't come to talk to him after their break up, maybe that meant Alex wasn't.

Maria sighed and closed her eyes, “I wanted him, Alex. I know it was selfish, but you never really told me what he meant to you.” 

“I didn’t realize that would be necessary, Maria. I remember a conversation with you that ended with you saying sleeping with him was a mistake you wouldn’t make again.” 

Maria looked over at him, “I just wanted something for  _ me _ , Alex.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Alex replied. “I want things for  _ me _ too. But we know how that ends.” 

Alex looked over the clearing and saw Liz watching them quietly. 

She wanted so much for Alex and Maria to be comfortable around each other again, so that she could have both of her friends back. 

Alex should be able to suck up his pain and be there for Liz, if nobody else. She had too much on her plate right now with Rosa being back and Max. He wanted to. He wanted to be able to brush everything off the way people assumed he should and just be there for them. 

But for once, he wanted someone there for him. 

“Remember when I worked at the Crashdown for a while before I got the job at the Emporium?”

He looked over at Maria, but she didn’t respond. 

“I never could tell if Liz’s dad knew what my dad did. I would like to think he didn’t, but I also know that if he’d tried to intervene that my father would have turned him over for deportation.”

Maria nodded sadly, “You’re probably right.” 

“Sometimes, when you and Rosa and Liz were off somewhere together, I got to hang out after work and avoid going home. Mimi would get us milkshakes and fries, and Arturo would wave to me from the kitchen. It was nice, you know? Sometimes it was Jim Valenti who showed me he cared, when my dad was being an ass, but now I know why he never did anything about the abuse. My dad had too much on him. But Jim left me this place, so I know I meant  _ something _ to him.” 

“Alex,” Maria said softly. “Of course, you did.”

“I will always be grateful for the chance to have Mimi and Arturo and Jim back then. But the thing is that they were never  _ mine _ . Mimi was the closest thing I had to a mother after mine left, but she couldn’t be  _ my _ mother. Sometimes it felt like that was a line she wouldn’t cross because she didn’t want it to hurt you. Maybe she felt like it would lessen your relationship. I don’t know. And I was okay with that because she is  _ your _ mom. Not mine. I wouldn’t have wanted her to do anything that would hurt you.”

He glanced over at Maria before looking over at Liz and Rosa. “Arturo is  _ their _ dad,” 

Alex gestured to Kyle. “Jim was _ his _ dad.” 

“Well, and  _ hers _ too,” he smiled as he remembered at the last minute to include Rosa as a member of the Valenti family. 

Maria had tears in her eyes. 

“Where were _mine?_ My mother was gone, and if it had ever occurred to her to take me with her, she ultimately  _ didn’t _ . My father hates me, so maybe my mom did, too. I don’t know because the few times I’ve talked to her in my life, she won’t say why she left us. Or why she left me with _him_. A father who would prefer me to be dead, to be honest. I never got  _ that, _ ” Alex gestured towards the group of them. “A family. At least one that gave a shit about me.” 

“You had us,” Maria said softly. 

“Yeah, I did. But you can’t say that the relationship between us was the same as the one you had with Rosa. Or the one Liz has with you. I’m different. I’m the outlier.” 

“No, you’re not!” Maria exclaimed softly. 

Alex looked at her, “Aren’t I? You never answered about whether or not you’d have started a relationship with someone that Liz loved. You went out of your way to not answer me.” 

Maria looked down at her lap but then cleared her throat. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have.” 

“And  _ that’s _ why I’m the outlier,” Alex pointed at her with his cup. “ _I’m_ the one who doesn’t fit in anywhere. I’m not enough for anybody. You would never choose me over Rosa or Liz, and honestly, I  _ understand _ why. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to think about. But I do understand it. Liz would never choose me over you or Rosa. She proved it when she came to me and asked me to support you. Rosa would shank me before she chose me over you both. I’m the outlier. None of you were  _ mine _ .” 

Maria started to interrupt but he looked at her pointedly. 

“Except for  _ Michael _ ,” Alex said softly. “ _ He _ was mine. My family. My  _ person _ , as Isobel would say.” 

“Alex,” Maria said. “I’m sorry.” 

“But then he turned around and chose _you_. But hell. Maybe it  _ is _ my fault. I don’t know. I fucked up a lot because I wanted him safe. I walked away because I was scared, for  _ him _ and for myself. I didn’t even do things differently when I found out what he was and that he could finally protect himself. I still saw him as someone I have to protect from my father. I didn’t want him hurt again.” 

“Why aren’t you telling  _ him _ this?” 

“Because it’s hard to talk to him.”

Maria snorted, “That’s an understatement.” 

Alex raised his beer in a mock toast to her agreement. “It’s hard to get him to be patient enough for me to find my words. He stares at me and I get flustered because I just want him to, I don’t know… just  _ know _ what I mean. Without me struggling to say it. I know it’s not fair to expect him to read minds, although it would be handy if he and Isobel had each other’s powers.” 

“Paris Hilton over there does not need the ability to move things with her mind.” 

Alex snorted, “She already can.” 

“Aw hell. There goes the neighborhood.” 

Alex sobered and took another drink. “Michael  _ was _ mine. But now he’s not. No matter how much I love him and no matter how much I see him as mine, as my  _ family _ , he doesn’t want to  _ be _ my family. I’m just a memory of some awful things that happened to him. That one of those things happened to me too doesn’t seem to matter. Never has. Maybe it never will.” 

“That’s not true. Michael loves you, Alex.” 

“Maybe. But he also thinks I’m not worth it.” Alex stood, grabbed his crutches, and gestured to Kyle his intention to go back inside before turning back to Maria. “And no matter how much I want him, what I want doesn’t matter.”


	8. Chapter 8

Alex was waiting in the cabin for Kyle to get back. It had taken a lot of convincing to get Kyle to leave him alone, but the call from Maria for someone to go pick up Michael had been concerning enough, and Alex sure wouldn’t have been able to carry Michael out of the Wild Pony, so the logical choice had been Kyle. 

Alex had a gun on him, at Kyle’s insistence, but he really didn’t think his father would go to such lengths to get Alex alone now because the odds weren’t really in Jesse’s favor at the moment. He was being looked at by superior officers and now being actively investigated for his part in nearly killing Alex. He was also being hunted by Chambers, with the intention of keeping the alien secret under wraps while still finding something on Jesse that would land him in military prison for life. Jesse had missed his chance to get Alex out of the picture when Alex escaped, and if it hadn’t been for the accident, Alex would be fine right now. 

He would still be dealing with the psychological effects, but physically he would have been fine. 

Alex had offered to stay at the labs during the day, so that Kyle and Michael had more freedom to come and go and so Michael could help Liz. So they didn’t have to worry about situations like this, but he’d offered for their peace of mind and not his own. 

The offer had been shut down by both of them, and Alex knew Michael was trying to get some days in at the lab when Kyle was staying with Alex. When he was supposed to work at Sanders’ place was anyone’s guess. Kyle’s shifts at the hospital led him to be sleeping most of the time he was at the cabin, so Alex ended up being on watch then too. 

He doubted any of this makeshift babysitting matched the plan Chambers had in mind, since he’d wanted someone with alien powers to watch over Alex. 24/7. 

Alex shook his head. He didn’t think any of them had thought  _ any _ of this through.

While he could get behind the aliens’ held sentiment that humans, as a whole, were monsters, he was really tired of the suggestion that  _ Alex  _ was weak.

Michael had handed over his laptop days ago, with a soft apology for having confiscated it, so Alex had it open on his lap in front of him, his broken leg resting on the table. Alex was patched into the program he’d designed to keep tabs on his father and brothers. The Project Shepherd’s bunker system had been ridiculously easy to hack, and his father’s personal security systems weren’t any better. And neither was his home computer. Alex had retrieved some additional footage that hadn’t been at the bunker, footage of Michael, Max, and Isobel being followed. The later footage was obviously caught by a cell phone, but some of the videos had been taken with a zoomed in camera, so it really hit home to Alex how easily his father could have taken Michael at almost any time. Granted,  _ now _ Alex knew that Michael could protect himself in a fair fight. But the normalcy of the footage, the regularity of Michael being stalked, was nauseating to Alex. It was as if any moment, something could happen to Michael, and Jesse Manes would have it on film to watch over and over, just to get his kicks. 

Alex continued scanning the database he’d accessed.

Some of the files went back years, to when Michael was just seventeen, so Alex couldn’t help but wonder if Michael was on his father’s radar because of Alex. Because of their relationship. 

He couldn’t believe that Jesse would have a reason to put Michael under surveillance when he was a teenager, because he had no proof that Michael was actually one of the children that had been found in 1997. Michael had been through home after home back then, and city after city in New Mexico, and he hadn’t even been given a last name until he’d left Roswell. 

So how could Jesse Manes  _ know _ that Michael was an alien? 

Alex could see him making the assumption about Isobel and Max, because their adoption was widely known and the Evans family was socially respected. They lived their lives openly, and it wouldn’t have taken much to theorize that they were two of those children from the desert. 

But Michael being with them, considering them family, might have rightly convinced Alex’s father that Michael was child number 3. 

He couldn’t help but wonder if his father would have given up if Michael had just left for UNM like he had planned. 

With Alex out of the picture, and Michael far away from Roswell, would Michael have been any safer? 

He shut down the computer when he saw the headlights of Kyle’s vehicle approach, and he leaned over to put it on the floor next to him. 

His shoulder ached more than it had since he got home, and he knew it had to do with him overusing it this week and from stopping his pain medications. 

Kyle had nagged at him after the afternoon they’d spent at target practice, just because he’d had to use both arms to support himself to get in and out of the cabin. It wasn’t worse than any other injury he’d ever had, and definitely not as bad as losing his leg had been, even if he had to have surgery to get the bullet out. He’d tried reasoning that the incision wasn’t really all that bad since it was small and Alex had had worse in his life, but Kyle had informed him that his sense of judgment about injuries was obviously compromised. 

Kyle may have been right, but Alex would sure never say that out loud. 

Alex settled himself into the wheelchair, since he’d taken off his prosthetic for the night and rolled over to the window. He peeked out to see Kyle pulling Michael out of the passenger seat. 

“Why is he bringing him here?” Alex wondered aloud. 

He’d assumed that since Kyle had planned to stay that he would have taken Michael back to the Airstream. 

He rolled to open the door, and Kyle breathed out a sigh. 

“Thank you. He is much heavier than he looks.” 

“Hi ‘Lex,” Michael slurred. “I can stay with you.” 

Alex wasn’t sure if it was actually a question but he gestured for Kyle to put Michael on the couch. 

Michael looked haggard and miserable, and Alex had a feeling that this was why Kyle hadn’t taken him home. He looked like leaving him alone for the night would be a bad decision.

Alex shook his head at Michael’s snoring then gestured to a closet in the hallway.

“Can you get out that blanket on the middle shelf. There should be an extra pillow in there too.” 

Kyle nodded and retrieved them. 

Without asking, Kyle covered Michael and then handed the pillow to Alex, who moved Michael around a bit to get the pillow under him. 

If he brushed his fingers against Michael’s curls, well Kyle was kind enough not to mention it. 

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” Kyle said softly. 

He looked down at the couch, “That’s a weighted blanket, right?” 

“Yeah,” Alex maneuvered his wheelchair towards the kitchen. This seemed like it was going to be a long night and everybody could probably use some coffee. 

“Why is that in the closet instead of on your bed?” Kyle asked. 

“Because I don’t use it most of the time.” 

It was a weighted blanket designed for people with PTSD. It was a sleep aid for sufferers who had panic attacks in the night when their nightmares woke them. The heaviness of the blanket helped with that. The weight of it was comforting, and it soothed anxiety. The blankets were good for a lot of different people with other mental health and anxiety issues, but some research showed that they helped PTSD sufferers sleep more soundly at night when used as part of a total treatment program. 

“Why not?” 

Alex finished starting the brew and wheeled around to face him. “I don’t know. I just don’t. I don’t sleep much anyway, so what’s the point of using it.” 

“Alex,” Kyle’s voice had entered Dr. Valenti mode. “You  _ not _ sleeping is one of the reasons  _ to _ use it.” 

“Kyle, can we not do Dr. Valenti and the disobedient patient right now?” 

Kyle smirked. “That sounds like…” 

Alex pointed at him, “Don’t finish that sentence.” 

He waited for the coffee to finish before fishing out the holder he used whenever he was walking with crutches and trying to carry his drinks. During one of the nights Alex had spent with Michael, when he’d first come back from the Middle East, he’d complained to Michael that sometimes it was impossible to carry a drink with him when he was required to use both crutches. 

Two days later, Michael had fashioned him a carrier that utilized centripetal force and physics, and watching Michael explain to him how it worked had led to yet another incident of Alex backing Michael onto his small bed and having his way with him. 

When he looped it around his finger and pushed on the wheel, the coffee didn’t spill. 

“What the hell?” Kyle gestured towards the device as it swung beside him.

Alex smiled. “Michael made it for me.” 

“How?”

“You’ll have to ask him. I got a little distracted by the explanation.” 

“Why am I not surprised?” Kyle snorted. 

Alex wheeled over to Michael and poked him with a finger, “Michael. Michael.  _ Guerin _ .” 

Michael lifted his head and blinked at Alex. 

“And you wonder why I call you Guerin all the time. Sit up and drink some coffee.” 

Michael rubbed his hands over his face and took the cup, “Thanks. Hey Valenti.” 

Kyle nodded at the acknowledgement. “Can I sleep here? I can crash in the bunker room.” 

“Sure.” 

Kyle turned to Michael, “Don’t go running around in the middle of the night and fall down into the bunker. I am not sleeping with the lid on that coffin all night long.” 

Alex rolled his eyes, but when he turned Michael was staring at him, with tired eyes full of regret.

Michael took a sip of coffee and leaned forward to try and put it on the table. He managed after only two attempts and then met Alex’s eyes again. 

“I stopped looking for you,” Michael rasped out. 

“What?” Alex asked. 

Looking for him when? A cold sense of dread filled him as he looked at Michael.  When Alex was missing? That had to be when he was talking about.

“Guerin,” Kyle said quietly. “That’s not exactly what happened.” 

“Stay out of this, Valenti,” Michael snapped but then pressed his face into his hands. 

“What are you talking about?” Alex looked between them. 

“I stopped looking for you,” Michael said again, but without elaboration it didn’t mean anything different to Alex. 

“When?”

“I _stopped_ looking for you. I convinced myself that you’d left because you were tired of seeing me fuck up with Maria. But you weren’t walking away this time. _They_ _took you_.” 

Michael sounded miserable, voice so hoarse and wet, like he’d been crying about this for hours. 

Alex didn’t know what to do, if he were honest with himself. 

Part of him wanted to comfort Michael, because he knew that Michael felt like the weight of the world was crushing him nearly every day of his life. Alex knew that Michael loved him, that shouting at Alex that he didn’t had been a lie, but he also knew that Michael didn’t think that loving him was enough anymore. Part of him wanted to wrap both of them up in the blanket and just sleep the rest of the night away and pray for a night filled with silent dreams. 

Part of him was resigned to it because there had always been very few people in his life who he trusted would come for him. And most of those were in his squadron. And it hadn’t surprised him that in the end, he’d had to save himself.

And another, smaller, part of him was eviscerated by the possibility that, at the time, Michael just hadn’t cared what had happened to him. 

Alex breathed in slowly, but the anxiety pressed hard against his chest. He was being smothered, turned inside out, though he recognized that both Michael and Kyle were talking.

“Oh shit, you couldn’t have waited until you were sober to do this?” Kyle snapped as he knelt down in front of Alex. “Alex…  _ Alex _ ?” 

“I’m sorry! I’ve been trying to be more honest with him.” Michael snapped back. “Alex, can we touch you?” 

Alex couldn’t nod in agreement or shake his head no. 

He couldn’t breathe, and the voices around him were dulled, as if they were speaking underwater. His legs, the uninjured areas at least, were restless, as if he was experiencing cabin fever, or the need to get up and walk around. Which, of course, he couldn’t do right now, because he’d taken off his leg and couldn’t get up on the broken one. 

“Okay, fuck this,” Michael said as he nudged Kyle out of the way. 

He pressed his forehead against Alex’s and breathed slowly. “Come on, Private. You’ve got this. You remember. Just like the last time, right?” 

Alex closed his eyes and concentrated on his breathing. His hands were shaky, but Alex counted down as he willed them to stop. 

He didn’t move his head from Michael’s until he felt the worst of the panic attack subside. 

“Do you ever drink anything but whiskey?” Alex whispered hoarsely. “Because your breath smells like whiskey.” 

Michael tilted his head back with a wet laugh, “Oh my god, Alex.” 

“I’m going to bed before I find a reason to kill you both. I won’t even wait for Jesse Manes to come,” Kyle stretched his neck in frustration and looked at Alex. “You good now?” 

Alex nodded as he pulled himself out of the wheelchair and onto the couch. “Yeah. I’m good. You have an early shift tomorrow. Go sleep.” 

Michael let go of Alex and sat back as Kyle opened the bunker trap and headed down. He stared at the two of them like they were supposed to read his mind, and he pointed between them animatedly before his face dropped out of sight. 

“He means well,” Alex said. 

“He’s a dumbass.” 

“Yeah, he is.” 

“I’m sorry I stopped looking for you. I told you I don’t look away, and then I did.” 

“I’ve never expected you to  _ never _ look away. I’m not hung up on grand romantic gestures, because I don’t know what to do with them. I get why you would have thought I left. If I was in that position, I would have thought the same thing. It just took me by surprise. I’m fine now.” 

He really wasn’t because he still felt that anxiety pressing on him. But he was breathing normally again. That was progress. 

Michael grabbed his coffee again, “I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you that. And the longer it went on, the more I drank about it.”

“Well, this wasn’t your finest hour,” Alex deadpanned. “But then again, I haven’t had many good hours lately either.” 

“I don’t even know where to start to talk this over with you. Or if it would do us any good.” 

“I think we have to. This can’t go on like this. I don’t deserve this and neither do you.” 

Michael’s head lolled against the back of the couch, “I miss you.” 

Alex looked at him. “I miss you too.” 

“I don’t know how to say I’m sorry in the right way. In some way that you won’t question. In some way where you don’t eventually begin to overthink it and internalize it, and then start blaming yourself for things that you had nothing to do with.” Michael reached out a hand and grasped Alex’s. “You’re not the worst thing that ever happened to me. I should have told you that weeks ago, or months ago.” 

Alex felt tears brewing so he blinked them back. 

“You never  _ were _ , Alex. I was just angry. I was mad at everything and I took it out on you. You didn’t deserve that because you are not your father. And you were right that I was using your deployments against you. That wasn’t fair. I get that now.” 

“I am like him though,” Alex leaned back into the couch and turned his head towards Michael. “I hate it. I hate it when I look in the mirror in just the right way and I look more like him than I do my mom. I hate that I have his face when I get angry. The rage face that I was scared of.” 

“You don’t have a rage face, Alex. You’re beautiful,” Michael said softly. 

“No, I’m not. Even Mimi can see it in my aura. It reminds her of him. He set me on this path, and I’ve been fighting a war with him ever since. But the more I fight him, the closer I get to _being_ him, and that scares the shit out of me.” 

“You could never be him.” 

“That night I came to talk to you. I was going to stay with you if you had let me. I knew you needed someone after your mom died, and I knew that you hadn’t really had the chance to talk to Isobel or Max about it,” Alex teared up again. “I thought he was finally out of my life. I thought I’d finally won, and you were the first person I wanted to see. So I could wrap you up and let you fall apart and make sure nothing ever happened to you again. I don’t know why I thought you’d be happy to see me. ” 

Michael squeezed his hand, “I was happy to see you.” 

“You told me to come back, and I knew you were lying about that blood on your neck, so I knew something was going on that you didn’t want me involved with, so I waited. But I was going to tell you that I’d fixed things. That it was safe.” 

Michael sighed. 

“I could have handled you going to Maria. Do you think I don’t get how unhappy you were with me? That I didn’t know that you hated me keeping us quiet?” 

“I wasn’t unhappy with you,” Michael said. 

“That’s bullshit. Yes, you were. Every time I tried to speak to you about it, you had some kind of snide comment to make. You never even noticed that I was  _ trying! _ ” 

“You should have tried harder!” Michael snapped. 

Alex sat forward but Michael tugged at his arm. 

“Wait. I didn’t mean that,” he sighed. “Look, I know I said some shitty things, but I was hurt. Yes, I get that it wasn’t fair to be hurt over the deployments. But you kept telling me it was over.” 

“And I’ve explained to you that I was trying to protect you. Everything I’ve done was to protect you from him.” 

“I can protect myself!” Michael shouted. 

“Well, I didn’t fucking know that back then, did I?” Alex snapped back. As far as I knew, you were a human teenager just like me. One who had been through enough shit that me saddling you with my dad was just asking for trouble.” 

“Are you  _ blaming me _ ?” Michael’s demanded. “For not telling you?” 

Alex wiped his face with his hands in frustration, “Jesus no. I’m not blaming you. But I made that decision to join the Air Force because my father was threatening you, and I had no idea that you had the ability to protect yourself. That’s all I’m saying. It’s not blaming you.” 

“But if I had told you back then, you wouldn’t have gone?”

“I don’t know,” Alex said. “My father would have still been around. Look, it’s ten years later, and he’s still trying to win. He is still trying to kill me, and he is still probably planning to come after you. You would think he would have found something else to do with his life, but he hasn’t. He’s been having you followed since you were a teenager.” 

“What?” 

“I found footage on his home computer. The more recent stuff was sent to him from a cell phone. But there were older clips of you being followed. I haven’t gone through them all, so I don’t know if they ever caught you using your powers on film.” 

“I should have known.” 

“No, _ I _ should have known.” 

Alex was startled to see more headlights pull up to the cabin, and he checked the time. 

Three am. Who would be coming here at this time of night? 

“You stay here,” Michael whispered as he stood. 

“Michael, don’t just go out there. We have no idea who that is.” 

Alex cursed inwardly at his current lot in life again. He hated going in blind in situations, and three am was always a case of going in blind. 

Michael peered out the window. “It’s a man. Not any of your brothers. In civvies.” 

Alex shifted himself into the wheelchair and rolled over to the door. 

“Alex, your dad is trying to kill you,” Michael whispered angrily. “Stop playing hero.” 

“Just open the fucking door,” Alex held up his firearm and pointed it just off to the side of the door. 

Michael opened it, and the man stood there smiling, until he spotted Alex and immediately threw up his hands in a sign of surrender. 

“Jesus, babe, I come in peace.” 

“Marcus,” Alex flipped the safety back on and smiled up at the man, “what the fuck are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Marcus is a character who is talked about in another fic of mine, but in that one he's married. He's not here. 
> 
> Also, I figure that Michael and Alex are both so constipated about their feelings that if they finally do get to talk, they're going to yell at some point.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so. I want to thank everyone for all of their wonderful comments. I'm not much of a reply person because I realized early on with AO3 that I can keep better track of my fic stats if I don't add to the comment section. But I DO THANK YOU for them. They're awesome and you all are awesome. 
> 
> There is more fighting in this, because they wouldn't be Alex and Michael if they communicated CORRECTLY.

Alex woke slowly, idly wondering why he was in such discomfort. After opening his eyes, he realized that it was because he’d fallen asleep on the couch, without  _ lying down _ on it. 

_ Great.  _

He reached a hand up to massage at the crick in his neck and then glanced around to get his bearings. He never slept much, so when he did, he was often disoriented when he woke up. It made for some bad situations when he was a kid, because if he fell asleep back then, he could never know when he would be woken up by screaming or… things that were worse than screaming. He never got much sleep in the military either, and now with PTSD, he sometimes felt like he would never sleep again. 

He looked around the room and then down at his lap, where Michael’s head was. He was mostly lying  _ on _ Alex, and he has no idea when that happened during the early morning.

He glanced at the clock to find it at little after 6 am, so he’d slept for less than three hours since Marcus arrived. Kyle would be getting up soon for his shift. 

And he spotted Kyle’s head coming up from the bunker before he’d even finished his thought. 

“What was all that commotion last night?” Kyle whispered, looking between Michael and Alex with a raised eyebrow. 

“We argued. Then my friend Marcus showed up at 3 am,” Alex whispered back.

Kyle looked around. 

“He’s sleeping in my room.” 

Kyle nodded in acknowledgment. “I’m going to start coffee.” 

“If you help me get him off, I can help with breakfast. Marcus is going to be hungry too." 

Kyle nodded and helped get Michael arranged on the couch in a way that would allow Alex to make an escape. 

Alex let Kyle help him into the wheelchair and then they made their way to the kitchen. Alex looked at what was available, “What do you have time for?” 

“Eggs are fine. I have plenty of time, but I’d rather have something easy.” 

Alex nodded, “I’ll make enough for four.” 

“Do you need me to get your leg?” 

Alex smiled. Kyle had been using the words prosthetic and prosthesis rigidly since they’d become friends again, and it had taken a lot of reprogramming for Alex to get him to realize that if Alex considered it his leg then other people could as well. At least in the early morning, when Kyle wasn’t really on guard as much, it was easy for him to do. 

“Do you mind?” Alex asked. “I can cook using the stool.” 

He’d been doing that since he moved in. It helped when he didn’t feel like putting a lot of stress on his stump after a long day. He definitely couldn’t reach the back burners on the stove from the chair because this cabin and been retrofitted for his specific disability, not for accessibility for those in wheelchairs. He probably should have thought of that to be honest. All it had taken was a car accident to put his “good” leg out of commission. 

Kyle nodded and left the room. 

Alex started cooking. He figured Marcus would sleep longer since he had been driving for hours, and Michael hadn’t had much more sleep either. He would make them enough but keep it warm while they slept. 

Alex thought about the rest of the conversation before they'd all gone to bed. 

_ This him?” Marcus had grinned as he pointed to Michael.  _

_ Alex had nodded slightly before Marcus bent down to him.  _

_ “Can I drag you up for a hug, or will that hurt something?” Marcus had asked.  _

_ Alex had gotten to his feet and hugged him, idly handing the gun over to Michael. _

_ “I have missed you,” Marcus had said softly before he pulled back and let Alex sit back down. “You look great. Except for that whole ‘just tortured’ thing you have going on.”  _

_ Alex had burst out laughing and Michael had done nothing more than stare back and forth between them.  _

_ “Marcus Blake, this is Michael Guerin.”  _

_ They had shaken hands, but Michael had sent Alex a look. He hadn’t known what Michael was trying to get across to him, but he’d assumed it was about whether they could trust Marcus. _

_ “Okay, Moon. I need some sleep before I can be expected to make conversation.”  _

_ “Why are you here?” Alex had asked.  _

_ “Chambers,” Marcus had grinned. _

_ “How did you even find me?” _

_ “GPS coordinates," he'd sent Alex a look.  _

_ "Chambers again," Alex had said with a sigh. _

Alex just hoped that Chambers wasn’t trying to match-make, because if he was, then he’d sent another very important person in Alex’s life right into battle against Jesse Manes.

  
  
  


By the time Kyle had finished eating and was on his way to the hospital, Michael was awake. Alex was sitting at his small kitchen table eating his food, prosthetic on, and crutches leaning against the table. He nodded his head toward the stove for Michael to help himself. 

He did, and then he grabbed a cup of coffee before sitting across from him. 

“Valenti gone?” Michael’s voice was gravelly and sleepy. 

Alex nodded as he sipped his coffee. “12 hour shift today.” 

Michael acknowledged the answer before digging into his food again.

“Guerin,” Alex said softly, and Michael looked up. 

“Yeah?” 

Alex didn’t want to broach this subject, but he couldn’t help but feel like he needed to. Watching Michael tear into his food had him worried whether Michael ate enough on a daily basis. 

“How are you making money right now? Between staying here and working at the lab, do you even have time to work for Sanders?” 

Michael swallowed. “I’m fine. What money I have, I haven’t had much to spend it on besides the booze. I save a lot because, surprisingly, I get a lot of free booze.” 

Alex leaned back. He hadn’t thought of that. 

Michael looked at him, “What’s that face for? I wear the clothes I wear because I work on cars every day. I’m not going to spend a lot of money on clothes just to ruin them.” 

“That makes sense,” Alex concluded. 

“I have a safe. No bank account obviously since I have less than stellar credit, and I don’t want my ID being looked at too thoroughly. But Sanders pays me in cash and doesn’t charge me for the Airstream being there. He’s a good man. And he likes me. I have enough saved up for emergencies.” 

Alex smiled. "That's good." 

“Besides, me dressing like this has always pissed Isobel off. _And_ I just overcharged Valenti the other day to fix his fancy car, so I have a lot more money this week,” Michael smirked as he took another bite. 

“Guerin,” Alex laughed. 

“You worry about that a lot?” Michael met his eyes again. “About my finances?” 

Alex could feel a blush coming. “Well, yeah. Of course I do.” 

“Uh huh. Was  _ worry _ what made you ask me about cooking meth?” 

Alex turned his head away for a moment, “Yeah, that was shitty. I’m sorry for that.” 

“Shockingly, I do kind of understand why you would ask that. A lot of people in my position would do a lot of things to get out of it. Hell, Maria reminded me that even Max had asked me about cooking meth a few years ago.” 

“Max?” Alex asked, surprised. 

“Yeah, well. He and I haven’t gotten along in years. Even before…” 

Alex nodded. “And the copper?”

“Now that I  _ was _ doing. But I didn’t get that copper from Sanders. I wouldn’t do that to him. I did do a lot of shit when I was younger, because I had to. I didn’t have a steady income until I got hired at the ranch. I bought my truck for basically nothing. I keep it running. I saved up for the Airstream, and then I didn’t have much else to buy. I pay for food, but not much else.” 

“I’m sorry for judging you over that.” 

Michael nodded in acceptance. “I can’t really say much given what I said to you.” 

Alex looked towards the coffee pot, in part to avoid Michael’s gaze, but also because he was out of coffee and wondered if it was worth getting up. 

As he watched, the coffee pot floated to him. 

He turned to find Michael grinning, “He’s not awake yet. It’s just us.” 

“Damn, that is handy,” Alex marveled as he poured another cup.

“I know, right?” Michael laughed softly. 

Alex sipped his coffee silently.

“It’s not the lack of food that makes me eat like this,” Michael gestured at his plate. “It’s the TK. It uses up a lot of energy every day, so when I do eat, I eat a lot to make up for it.” 

“The Michael Phelps of TK, huh?”

Michael laughed, “Yeah, something like that.” 

Michael tilted his head towards the living room, “So why does he call you Moon?”

Alex laughed softly. “Oh, it’s ridiculous.” 

“Humor me.” 

Michael looked at him, and Alex wondered if he was jealous. He had that look about him. The same way he looked whenever Kyle was around. 

Like he wanted to step between them and get Alex’s attention back on himself. 

He was like a cat that way. Well, and the way he would curl up with Alex whenever they were naked together.

Alex wanted to be irritated by it, because Michael had no right to be jealous of anyone Alex was with, since Michael had been with Maria. 

But a small part of him enjoyed knowing that Michael didn’t want anyone between them. Not like that.

“Have you ever watched Game of Thrones?”

“You’re the  _ Moon of his Life? _ ” Michael asked incredulously, his voice rising.

“Don’t wake him up,” Alex shushed him. “But yes, that’s what he means.” 

Michael raised an eyebrow. 

“It was a dumb thing. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed in 2010, but it didn’t actually go into effect until 2011, right around the same time the show began. Wherever I was stationed overseas, we were always weeks or months behind everyone else getting to watch it. A couple of guys in the squadron had people recording it for them and then sending it over to us. It was hard to get access when you’re not near one of the larger cities to use another VPN, before 2016 anyway. And sometimes,” Alex took another drink of his coffee and held the cup in his hand, “once internet connection was established, we could get downloads, usually hacked into by me, but someone  _ else _ always got in trouble for it. So I could keep doing it without being caught. The Air Force didn’t consider that part of our  _ necessities _ ,” Alex smiled. 

Michael smiled back, “Go on.” 

“Well, since we no longer had to hide, Marcus would flirt with anything that moved. And that included me. There was a running joke in the squadron that I was the Moon of his Life but that I had rejected him, since I never called him the other half of the quote in front of them. He really played it up around the guys. It was dumb. But fun. It was so much better than having to hide.” 

“I bet your dad was pissed when that law got repealed.” 

Alex smiled, “Oh you have no idea. It was just… so  _ satisfying _ to watch him complain about it. That _ his  _ Air Force,  _ his  _ military, his life was being infiltrated by perverts. He’d gone out of his way to teach me that I wasn’t fit for the military, only for the military to turn around and force him to interact with our community.” 

“I wish I could have seen his face.” Michael sat back and just looked at Alex. “I wish I could have seen  _ yours _ when it was repealed.” 

“You did,” Alex said softly. “My first leave after that. I came to spend it with you, remember?” 

Michael looked at him like he was trying to remember. “That week-long one?” 

Alex nodded. “I told you we were celebrating,” Alex reminded him. 

“Oh yeah,” Michael leered. “We celebrated, alright.” 

Alex sighed. “Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?” 

“Why does it always come down to sex?” 

Michael sat up, chagrined. Then he shrugged. “I remember the sex more than some of the other things. I drank a lot. I  _ drink  _ a lot.” 

“Don’t you remember  _ any _ of the other things?” Alex asked sadly. 

Alex remembered the days when they’d laughed over pranks pulled on Max. He remembered nights spent sitting under the stars. He remembered times he would just watch Michael work, on the days he couldn’t get off early enough to do other things with Alex. He remembered nights like the drive-in, when Alex tried to show him that he cared about more than just epic sex in the back of his truck or in the Airstream. 

He couldn’t lie. He also remembered the fumbling and peeling each other out of clothes that got in the way. He was human, and he wanted,  _ needed _ , Michael like he needed air to breathe. 

“Alex,” Michael leaned forward. “Of course I remember other things. But there was a lot of sex.” 

Alex shook his head. “I know. But I want to know that it wasn’t just that. That it’s not all you wanted.” 

“It isn’t all I wanted. You know that,” Michael said harshly. 

“How am I supposed to know that?” Alex returned just as furiously. “Read your mind? Every time I try to talk to you, you make it about sex.” 

Michael sat back in the chair. “I  _ like  _ sex.” 

“So do I,” Alex snapped. “But contrary to what you might think, I don’t just look at you because I want to fuck you.” 

Michael laughed. “But you  _ do _ like to fuck me.” 

“That’s not the point,” Alex said firmly. “Why are you acting like this? I thought we were going to talk. Last night, you said we could talk and get to know each other.” 

“I was wasted most of the night. I don’t remember some of the things I said.” 

Alex sat back, frustrated. “It’s impossible to talk to you. You treat every conversation like it’s an attack on you.”

“Most of the time, it is,” Michael pointed towards the window. “That world out there doesn’t make it easy for me. I know I’m a fuck up, but even when I  _ don’t  _ fuck up… even when I do something  _ good _ , I never get credit for it. I never get told that what I did was right or justified. I never get told that I’m  _ good enough _ just like I am. And I’m angry about it.”

“I know you are. But do you not see that I’m angry too? I’m angry  _ for you _ . I’m angry that what you wanted was  _ me _ and I even screwed _ that _ up. I’m angry that I let my father get into my head. I’m angry at myself for making you feel like you weren’t good enough.” 

Alex blinked back tears to calm himself, “I’m sorry. I’m  _ sorry _ that I made you feel that way. I can’t go back and change it. I don’t know how to make it up to you. But it’s unfair to expect me to do all the work.” 

“I’m not expecting you to do all the work, Alex,” Michael snapped. 

“Aren’t you? You expected me to be there for you after you went to Maria. Remember that conversation we had? That argument?” 

“Yes, I remember that argument.” Michael said, closed off.

“You wanted me to stay off to the side and support you, to support you and Maria, after telling me that I was basically nothing to you. That you needed to heal.  _ From me _ . You looked me in the eye and said you needed to heal  _ from me _ . But if I try to heal myself, to stop doing things that hurt you, you accuse me of walking away from you. I cannot win. If I stay, or if I go, it’s never enough for you.” 

“Alex,” Michael interrupted softly. “That’s not what I meant.” 

“Well how was I supposed to know that? I know that you haven’t had people who stayed. I know that. But you can’t have it both ways, and expecting to get to is cruel. I can’t be held responsible for  _ all _ of your feelings of abandonment. It’s not fair. I don’t expect you to take ownership of mine. I don’t expect to get to blame you for what he did to me. But somehow, just because I’m a Manes,  _ you _ get to do that. Look how mad you got when I said that I didn’t know you could protect yourself before deciding to join. You accused me of blaming you for my decision.” 

Michael nodded. 

“Then why do you get to blame me for  _ his? _ That’s just as unfair.” 

“I don’t know.” 

“If it had  _ just _ been you needing Maria, that would have been one thing. It would have hurt, but not as much. But you pushed me away with the right words. Just the thing you knew would hurt me the most. I may have said some shitty things to you in the past, Michael, but I didn’t deserve that. I didn’t deserve to be told that I was the worst thing that happened to you.” 

Michael had tears in his eyes, “You’re right. But Alex, I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of having what little I have in my life be connected to him. I’m tired of dealing with _him_ and with Max and with  _ my feelings about you. _ I’m tired of closing my eyes at night and seeing my mother die again and again. I’m tired of… _my life_ , Alex. Of not having anything that’s for me. Don’t I deserve to have that? To have  _ someone for me? _ ” 

“Yes, you do. You deserve  _ more _ than that. I'm _trying_ , but you only let me get so close before you snap. I can see why you wanted Maria. You weren’t alone with Maria. You weren’t dealing with my father. I _get_ it. I get it, but I couldn’t just stand there and watch it. Not when as far as I knew, you didn’t care about me anymore.” 

“I’ve always cared about you,” Michael said quietly. 

“Excellent job on showing it,” Alex returned reflexively, and then he shut his eyes in disappointment. 

With himself. 

Michael stood and grabbed his hat angrily. “Okay, I’m taking a break from this,” he gestured between the two of them. “If I don’t, then I’m going to end up at the Pony tonight just like last night. I’m going outside to break something, but I’m not leaving the property.” 

Alex watched him walk out.

Minutes later, Marcus came in, his face full of sympathy. “Hey, Moon.” 

Alex tried to turn to wipe away his tears, but Marcus caught them. 

"How much of that did you hear?"

"Plenty of it." He sat and pulled a chair closer to Alex. “You okay?” 

He turned to Marcus. “Define okay.” 

“That answers my question. You’re not.” He squeezed Alex’s hand. 

Alex sat there silently. 

“So that’s him, huh?” 

Alex looked up at him. 

“He’s your  _ Sun and Stars _ .” Marcus concluded with a sad smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are coming faster because I have an easier semester in grad school rn. But by with the end of August, I will be taking 3 classes, working full time, and beginning an internship. So I'm trying to get as many chapters done as possible before that begins.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The science is handwavey here. 
> 
> I don't science. I don't even want to pretend to science. (Or math for that matter)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so, this chapter wasn't actually planned to go here in the story. But I figured out a plot hole problem I had later on, so I'm pulling "writer's executive decision" and putting this one here. It's sort of filler but also not since Michael does some talking and thinking. This is also why this is being posted so soon. 
> 
> (Don't count on having so many chapters posted back to back all the time though lol)

“Okay,” Liz planted her hands down on the table in front of her. “We are taking a break.” 

Michael looked up, “What, _ now? _ ” he pointed at his table, “I just started on this version of the serum, and I have to track its progress.” 

“Do you have to watch it the entire time?” Liz asked.

“Well, no. I have to check in on it every ten minutes in the beginning though.” 

“Okay then, Mikey, you can come back to it in ten minutes. Set your timer.” 

“Liz, whatever you have planned…” 

“What I have planned is a break. And I brought snacks,” she tilted her head towards the small office in the corner. 

Michael sighed but set the timer. “If this is a ruse to get me to talk..” 

Liz whirled around and pressed a hand to her chest dramatically, “Who me? Use a ruse to get someone to do something I want?” 

Michael snorted, “Yes, you, the innocent Liz Ortecho.” 

He checked the timer on the watch as he sat and looked over at her. “So where are the snacks?”

Liz pulled out a drawer and pulled out handfuls of various snacks. He reached across and grabbed a bag of chips as she peeled open a candy bar. 

“So. Who is the guy visiting Alex?” 

Michael groaned, “I knew this was coming.” 

“What?” Liz asked with faux innocence. “He’s been here for almost a week. He’s hot.”

Michael raised an eyebrow.

“What, I have eyes,” Liz smirked. “Also, I am on reconnaissance. For Isobel and Maria.”

Michael snorted as he popped another chip in his mouth and crushed it. “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t swing that way.” 

“But you’re not positive?” Liz asked, holding back a smile. 

“Well no. It’s not like we’ve talked much.” 

“Hasn’t Alex talked about him?” 

Michael sighed. “We had a fight last week. Another one. Well, it was more like the continuation of the same fight we have all the time. I haven’t really tried to talk to him about anything since.” 

“That sounds counterproductive.” 

“There’s a lot of shit between us, you know. He’s said and done a lot of crappy things to me.” 

“Everybody does that at some point,” Liz wiped her hands off after finishing the candy bar and reached for a bag of chips. “I mean… look. We, you and me… we both knew that Max could have helped Mimi and neither one of us ever said a word to Maria about it. We partied with her in Texas, and sympathized with her when it turned out to be a bust, but I was so involved with my own shit and with helping Max, that it never occurred to me to ask Max about helping Maria. Now that,” she pointed at him, “was a shitty thing for me to do.” 

Michael looked at her. She had a point.

He’d had  _ sex _ with Maria that same weekend and also hadn’t thought about it either. 

“Fuck,” Michael cursed. “You’re right.” 

Nothing Alex had done to him, even the walking away to join the Air Force, was as bad as what they’d done to Maria. They’d kept a cure for her mother away from her when her mother was the only biological family Maria had left. 

Alex had done things to protect Michael, but Michael had thought of nothing but protecting the secret. 

“I also took off on my fiance without ever talking to him about why I didn’t want to marry him,” she shrugged.

Micheal’s eyes widened, “Damn, Ortecho.” 

“See. We can both play this game. You and Isobel threatened me with a knife in my father’s own restaurant because you were scared. While you  _ both _ were still under the impression that she killed Rosa.” 

Michael fidgeted and looked down. “Yeah, yeah, okay.” 

“You three covered up Rosa’s death to protect Isobel. I mean, before knowing she didn’t do it. You  _ thought _ she did, and you covered it up.” 

“Okay, okay. I get it. I’m a fuck up.” 

Liz reached out and squeezed his hand. “Everybody is a fuck up at some point. I love your brother, but he was a fuck up. He  _ is _ . He said he’d been in love with me for years, but he still covered up my sister’s death.” 

There were tears in her eyes.

Michael nodded with a wet laugh, “He really is.” 

“He wrote a love letter to me that Rosa had in her possession, and I thought it was because he had an affair with her. So I accused him of that.” 

“Liz, he’s never been able to get over you,” Michael said softly as he looked down. “Hold that thought.” 

He ran out into the lab and checked on the progress of the serum. It was progressing as intended, so he reset the timer and went back. 

She was absently chewing as she stared out in front of her. 

“So what else? Since we’re rehashing fuck ups today.” He sat and rummaged through her stash for something sweet. 

“Let’s see. I also accused  _ Jim Valenti  _ of sleeping with Rosa, and that went over real well with Kyle.” 

Michael snorted, “Good job.” 

“I didn’t know she was his daughter, obviously. I didn’t know that Rosa even had a different parent than me,” Liz pouted at him good-naturedly. 

“I almost let Noah go so I could have answers about my people, and he killed me for it.” 

“What?” Liz exclaimed. 

“Yeah,” Michael nodded. “Max brought me back, even after I used my TK to throw him out his own living room window for trying to stop me.” 

“Now, Noah. He was worse than a fuck up. I can’t believe what he did to Isobel. Well no, to be honest I can, because there are a lot of men out there that think women are dispensable. He just had better manipulation skills than most human men do.”

Michael nodded, because she was right. 

He’d seen some shit from some of the humans he’d been placed with over the years. 

“I wish I’d killed him myself. But then again, I don’t. Rosa wouldn’t be back if Max hadn’t charged himself up by killing him.” 

“That’s what we’re calling it,” she asked, “as in he’s a low battery?” 

Michael snorted. “Well, I don’t have a better name for it.” 

“Oh, I have a fuck up! Isobel mind-warped me to leave Max behind!” She snapped her fingers in front of her. “I can’t believe I almost forgot that one.”

Michael agreed before digging around in his bag for a soda and then passing it to her. He took out another one and popped it open. “When Max found out…” 

“I have another good one for the three of you. You couldn’t have thought about putting one of the white girls in the driver’s seat of the car? Didn’t it occur to  _ any _ of you that the  _ one _ brown girl in the accident would get blamed and that racists would go after her family?”

Ouch. No. They hadn’t thought of that. Even now, ten years later, he still wouldn’t have thought of it, he was sure.

They might be aliens, but all three of them were  _ white _ and still had a lot to learn.

“I’m sorry,” Michael reached out and squeezed her hand. “That was fucked up. I don’t have any excuses for that. We were dumb kids, but that… that was wrong of us.” 

“I have my sister back, or I would still be furious with all of you for that,” Liz bit into another candy bar as she looked at him. “So give me some more,” Liz gestured with her free hand. “Let’s get all of this out.” 

“I blamed Alex for leaving me every time he left for a deployment,” Michael said softly. 

“What do you mean?” Liz looked confused. 

“I mean, I considered it him leaving me each time.” 

Liz reached over and smacked him gently on the side of the head, “You’re supposed to be a genius.” 

“Hey, they’ve never proven that geniuses can’t also be dumbasses,” he pointed at her. 

She snorted. “But seriously, is that why all I keep hearing from people is that Alex walked away from you? I lost count of how many times Maria said it. I’ve heard Max say it. And  _ you _ .” 

Michael shrugged. “I guess.” 

“If that’s what you guys were talking about, that doesn’t make any sense. You  _ know _ he had to leave. I mean, he hasn’t left yet, right? His enlistment is over and he’s still here. He moved into the cabin. He’s putting down roots here, even though I can’t imagine why he’d want to be anywhere near his father.” 

He might want to be near  _ Michael _ though. A feeling of hope exploded in his chest before it quickly died when he realized that while he hadn't left town, the walking away hadn't stopped yet. 

“He walked away from me while he was _ here _ too. We weren’t even together yet, and he told me we were over. Told me he couldn't be with a criminal.” 

But now that he’d said it out loud, it sounded like an excuse to him. Maybe he'd been wrong about Alex's motives. 

“But,” Liz picked up her soda and took a sip. “Wasn’t that because his dad was around? Kyle said Jesse was pulling some shit behind the scenes this whole time. If he was trying to protect you, calling things off would make sense. Look, I'm not saying that's what he meant when he did it because I don't know. But I'd give him the benefit of the doubt about it, since his father actually _did_ try to kill him. If I were in his position, I would also assume Jesse Manes was a threat to you. I mean... ” she looked pointedly at his hand. 

He hated her logic, Michael decided. She only knew about his hand because he'd told her. 

“Michael, I know things are bad, but you have to stop keeping score. All it’s going to do is hurt both of you.” 

“Let’s get back to things we fucked up, and you’re not allowed to use that one as a reminder for me.” 

Liz closed her mouth with a grin. “We should really be drunk for this.” 

“Nope. I’m trying to stop doing that as much anymore. All it does is cause me trouble.” 

She leaned over and messed up his hair, “That’s awesome.” 

“Okay, so. I lied to Maria.” 

“We both did that.” 

“I mean about some things with Alex. I lied about how I felt about him, and had she known, she probably wouldn’t have started anything with me.” 

“Ouch,” Liz leaned back. “Maybe, maybe not. But hey, I told Alex that he should just be there for you and Maria without even thinking about why he’d be hurt.” 

“Jesus, this game is painful.” His timer went off. “I’m going to check on the serum again.” 

Michael strode into the lab and checked in on his experiment.

“I also accused Max of murdering my sister,” Liz yelled from the office. 

“Keep it down, Ortecho,” Michael yelled back. “The rooms are private but not soundproof.”

He snorted as he realized that he’d channeled Kyle there for a moment.

The serum was ready so he moved it to the next phase, in the centrifuge. He hit the timer, took off his gloves, and washed his hands quickly.

He walked back to the office, and Liz was working on another bag of chips. 

“You’re still hungry?” 

“I didn’t eat breakfast. Can I consider that a fuck up?” Liz shrugged. “I’m supposed to have lunch with Maria and Rosa at the cafe. But that’s hours from now.” 

“I lied to Alex about not loving him,” Michael said as he sat back down. “I lied to him and then said something awful to him that he doesn’t know if he can forgive, and then I went and slept with his friend.  _ Then _ I dated her and flaunted that relationship in front of him. And  _ then _ I made him think that I wanted him around as a back-up in case things went wrong with Maria. That one wasn’t intentional, though.” 

Liz made a face and pursed her lips. “Well, that…  _ whole series  _ is bad. What did you say?” 

“If I admit it, are you going to hit me again?”

“If it’s bad, then yes. And you worrying about that is telling me that it’s that bad.” 

Michael felt tears in his eyes, “I told him he was the worst thing that ever happened to me.” 

He wanted to say...  _ I killed my mother.  _

He just didn’t know how. No matter how much he tried not to blame himself, no matter how many times Alex and Kyle told him that it wasn’t, he knew that if he hadn’t tried breaking that door the explosion  _ wouldn’t _ have happened. He wanted to blame Jesse Manes more than he blamed himself because Manes put the explosives there, but he couldn’t. 

If he’d just waited. Let Alex and Kyle come up with a plan. Hell, if he’d just waited and come up with a plan of his own, she might,  _ they might  _ still be alive. And now every time he thought about either one of them, he was reminded of his mother's death.

Liz’s mouth dropped. “Oh, Michael. Why would you do that?” 

“Because I’m a fuck up, apparently. We were fighting and he was saying some shitty things, and I was saying some shitty things, and I told him I needed to be away from him, to heal from whatever was so fucked up between us. And then I said it.” 

Liz sighed with resignation. “Okay, so then you prove to him that you were wrong. I mean, if you  _ want _ to prove it to him. Is that what you want?” 

Michael leaned back and wiped his face with his hands. “I want Max back. And I want Jesse Manes dead, and I want Alex to kiss me again, and I want this guy Marcus to leave town even though I shouldn’t because he cares about Alex, and Alex needs him right now, and I want Isobel to be okay, and I want Maria to not hurt anymore, and I want my life to stop being so goddamn awful.” 

“Oh honey,” Liz got up and hugged him. “We will get Max back, and I will do whatever I can to help with the rest of it.” 

Michael let her hug him, and he wiped the tears away. “I’m sorry.” 

“Mikey, everybody cries.” 

He shrugged, “Doesn’t mean I like doing it.” 

“I can’t imagine why a big old baby like you would be upset about crying,” Liz nudged his leg and chuckled. 

“Fuck you, Ortecho.” 

“There’s my Mikey,” Liz smiled. “We can get everybody involved if you want. Just put together a fuck up confessional circle. We can invite Alex and Isobel and Maria, and maybe Alex will bring the new guy whose name you think you got away with not telling me. I'm sure there are a lot of fucks up that we don't even know about!” 

“Marcus Blake,” Michael said with a laugh. “That's his name. They’re close. It doesn’t seem like it’s anything more on Alex’s part, but he cares about him.”

“He also cares about you,” Liz reminded. “More than I ever realized. And I feel like crap for not having noticed it before.” 

“And it’s stupid that I feel jealous about it, because look what I did!” Michael gestured wildly. “I was dating one of his best friends,” he toasted her with his drink. “Genius Michael Guerin does it again.” 

“What are the things you can work on? So you can stop fucking things up. Do you think that my relationship with Max was easy? I was falling for him while still believing that he killed my sister. I fell for him realizing that I didn’t trust him. And then I had to try and explain that guilt to my sister’s grave. Nothing about love is ever going to be easy. So, if that’s what you’re looking for, you’re going to be disappointed.” 

“Isobel says I need a therapist. She also says  _ she _ needs one, so it’s not like she’s pointing fingers without accepting things about herself.” 

“Okay, do you think you could handle doing that?” 

“Maybe. If it wasn’t someone around here.”

“We can work on that. Kyle could probably help. He’s worked in a few cities before he came back here. He probably has more resources.” 

“I need to be able to talk to Alex without yelling.” 

“Okay, so that could be more difficult. Is it because of the fight that keeps happening?” 

The timer went off again. “Yes. Come check this with me. We need to see if this is ready.” 

Liz followed him into the lab and checked out the serum under the microscope. “You were checking for degradation right?” 

“Yep,” Michael said. “How’s it look?”

“It’s not breaking down like the first attempt.” She smiled at him. 

Micheal ran to his bag and pulled out his cell phone, punching in Isobel’s number. 

_ Hello?”  _

_ “Iz. It’s done. We have another one to try.”  _

_ “Really?” She sounded so hopeful.  _

_ “Yes. Don’t get your hopes up. It may not work.”  _

_ “My hopes haven’t been up for months. So what are we doing? Meeting at the cave?” _

Michael turned to Liz. “Can we try it?”

Liz looked between the microscope and Michael. “Yes.” 

Michael pumped his fist. 

“But don’t go thinking this is getting you out of our talk. Once we get Max back, we can both talk some sense into you. And then you’ll owe me.” 

Michael kissed her on the top of the head, “Liz, if this works, you can have anything you want.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to add some of the things the other characters have done throughout S1 because I think Michael needs a wake up call that other characters have done worse things than Alex has (regardless of your definition of: walking away). Liz felt like a good conduit for this because she, in canon, admits when she does something wrong and apologizes for it. 
> 
> Also I'm in love with her. That could be some of it lol.


	11. Chapter 11

“Look Michael, I  _ want  _ to be there for you. I want to help with Max, but Marcus is out of the loop, and I don’t know how to get him to cooperate about bringing me there without telling him what’s going on,” Alex wiped one hand over his face as he spoke into the phone. 

Michael had called and updated him on Max. Said that they had a new serum to try and that Michael wanted him there because, when Alex was around, Michael felt stronger. 

Alex didn’t know what to do with that statement, or have time to think about why Michael was saying it  _ now _ , but he also didn’t want to spill a secret that wasn’t his. 

_ "Tell him,” _ Michael said, voice desperate. “Tell him, then bring him. He’s done field medic work, right? We could probably use some help for Valenti if anything goes wrong.” 

“Michael,” Alex worried. “You realize what you’re asking me to do?”

He heard Michael’s haggard breath on the other end of the line. “Yes. You trust him, right?”

“With my life,” Alex answered calmly. 

“Chambers trusts him, right?” Michael asked. 

“Yes. He wouldn’t have sent him if he didn’t.” 

“I trust Chambers. So bring him. Max can kick my ass later, after he’s alive. It’s not like we don’t have plenty of people who already know.” 

“We’ll be on our way.” 

Alex turned to find Marcus watching him. How much he’d heard Alex wasn’t sure. 

“All you have to do is ask, Moon. I don’t need convincing. If something’s important, then we go. Simple as that.” 

“You sure? Without knowing anything, you’re willing to get involved?”

Marcus shrugged. “Look, all I know about any of this is that Chambers said you needed back up, and I had leave, and no plans for that leave. This is how it works being on Chambers’ team.” 

Alex nodded, “Thank you.” 

“Now come on. This sounds important.” 

Marcus helped him to the vehicle without asking for any further details. Alex told him it would be difficult to get him to the cave because of the wheelchair but that he needed to be there. 

For Michael. 

Marcus smiled at him when he’d admitted it, “You two finally on the same page?” 

“Something like that,” Alex said quietly before reading out the coordinates for the cave. 

What seemed like just minutes later, Marcus parked them among the other vehicles, and Alex spotted Maria standing outside. 

Rosa was next to her, so Michael and the others must have gone inside already. 

Marcus handed him the crutches, and Alex felt a twinge of pain in his ribs. He was mostly used to the pain, because of his history with rib injuries, but using the crutches did make it hurt more. Regardless, being immobile was not an option for him. He was used to working with pain. It was a sad thing to have to admit, but he was. He had been for almost two decades.

Alex and Marcus approached Maria and Rosa.  “They inside?” Alex asked. 

Maria nodded, “Liz says this one might actually work.” 

Alex turned to Rosa, “You okay?” 

She nodded, but she was holding Maria’s hand tightly. Alex introduced Marcus to them, but there were no pleasantries exchanged. 

Maria tossed a searching look in Marcus’s direction and then frowned. 

“What?” Alex stepped closer and said softly. 

She looked at him. “I don’t know. It’s odd. I can’t get a read.” 

Alex nodded, “You okay?”

“Yes. Kyle is on the way.” 

Alex turned to Marcus, “Can you stay here for a few minutes? I can manage the sand for long enough to get in there.” 

“Yeah, I’ll be right here. Yell if you need me.” 

“I will.” 

Alex navigated the distance, cursing that the end of his crutches sank down into the sand. 

“Michael? Isobel?” 

“Hey Private, Liz is on the way. She had to get more supplies for the silver solution,” Michael smiled. “You need help?”

Alex turned to make sure that Marcus wasn’t behind him. “Yeah. Not steady on my feet right now.” 

Michael looked down at the earth under him and flattened some of the area for Alex to get through. He gestured at a stadium chair near the cave wall, and Alex sat down. Michael walked over to him. 

“Did you tell him?”

“No, he said he didn’t need more info, but this isn’t just  _ your _ secret. I want Isobel’s consent too.” 

Isobel walked over when she heard her name, “Hey Alex.” 

Michael turned to her, “I told him he could tell Marcus about us. Chambers trusts him. Alex trusts him.” 

“I haven’t even met Chambers yet, Michael,” Isobel rolled her eyes. 

“I will fix that when this issue with my father is over,” Alex looked up at her. 

Isobel fixed him with a glance, “You trust him?” 

“With my life, Isobel. He is one of only a handful of people I can say that about.” 

Michael looked at him. “Chambers is one of them.” It wasn’t a question.

Alex nodded. 

Michael continued to stare at him. 

Alex sighed, “ _ Yes, _ you are in that group, Michael.” 

Isobel barked out a laugh, “Oh my god. You have it bad.” 

Michael smiled at him. “I know I do.” 

“I was talking to Manes, Michael,” Isobel rolled her eyes. “Yeah, tell him. I’m tired of hiding. I want my brother back, and then I’m going to change some things in this town. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t breathe because I’m afraid. If your friends can help us, then I accept.” 

“Marcus!” Alex yelled. 

Footsteps came through the cave tunnel and then Marcus walked into the room holding the pods. Maria and Rosa were behind him. 

“What the fuck?” Marcus exclaimed and gestured wildly as he turned to Alex. 

“I can explain,” Alex began.

“Hold that thought. I’m calling Chambers.” He pulled out his phone and began to press buttons.

“Why?” Michael asked. 

“Fuck, no service,” Marcus put his phone back in his pocket. “It had to be a goddamn cave?”

“Marcus, what’s going on?”

“Chambers couldn’t have told me that you found the fucking pods?” He pointed at them.

Michael stood and placed himself between Marcus and Alex. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Marcus,” Alex stood but braced himself with the chair. “How do you know about the pods?”

Marcus stalked over to the one that held Max. “So who is this one?” 

Isobel stepped closer to Max’s pod, but Michael held a hand out to stop her. 

“Who are you?” she asked. 

“Marcus Blake, same name I had when I got here. Now which of these people are from the other two pods?” 

“How do you know about all this?” Alex asked.

“Chambers, because he's a fucking troll,” Marcus shouted towards the ceiling. 

He turned to Alex and shrugged, “I’m empathic. I was recruited for Chambers’ team when he figured out that I’m half-alien. My mother was alien. Father was human.” 

Alex just looked at him. He had no idea what to do with this information either.

Michael stepped forward. “Prove it.” 

“Well, I can’t actually  _ do _ something that would prove it. I have control over certain kinds of cognitive energy. Certain feelings. I can’t read minds like Chambers, and I can’t communicate with other aliens in any way other than speech. What I can do is provide…  _ support _ is a good word for it. When Chambers found out what I can do, he recruited me for his team. I’m literally the  _ morale _ . I can touch people and, I don’t know… improve things. I can’t heal, but I also can’t  _ kill _ . I can’t make people feel negative things or do negative things. But I can  _ hug _ the shit out of you and make you feel like nothing will ever be horrible again.” 

“Emotional healing,” Isobel’s laugh turned into a sob. “You’re a fucking alien therapist!” 

Marcus shrugged, “Well, sort of. But I can help move energy around too. I can only channel it but not use it. Since I’m only half, my powers are more muted. I really don’t know how they would have manifested if I wasn’t half-human.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Alex asked quietly.

“Well, because it’s not fun when you lose friends because they’re suddenly afraid of you.” 

Rosa and Maria were standing near the cave entrance, and the entire group went silent when Kyle entered the area. 

Liz was behind him. 

Kyle came to an abrupt stop. “What did we miss?”

“This one’s an alien, too,” Michael threw up his hands and gestured towards Marcus.

Marcus waved innocently.

Liz mumbled in Spanish before looking at all of them, “I am so done with alien bullshit.” 

“So am I,” Alex agreed. 

He turned to Maria, “And you couldn’t feel him?” 

Maria threw up her hands as well, “It’s not an exact science, Alex. I didn’t get any negative vibes but I also didn’t get any positive ones. He’s like a wall.” 

“She’s an alien too?” Marcus intoned.

“Psychic,” Alex answered. 

“Oh good. Just a regular psychic,” Marcus rolled his eyes. “That’s so much better.” 

“So what are your powers?” Kyle asked. 

“He’s an alien therapist,” Michael deadpanned. 

“No, I’m not,” Marcus rolled his eyes. “I can send positive emotional and cognitive energy when I touch people.” 

“So you’re like the hand print but  _ without _ the hand print?” Liz asked. 

Everyone in the cave turned to her. 

“What are you talking about?” Isobel asked.

“You’ve never put a hand print on someone?” Liz looked at her. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Isobel sighed. 

“Max put his hand on me and created a link. It allowed an exchange of emotions.” 

“What’s the point in doing that?” Michael asked. “My emotions are difficult enough to control. I don’t want to put that on someone else, and if I had to handle anybody else’s, I’d explode.” 

“Michael,” Alex said softly, and Michael looked over at him. 

Alex squeezed his hand in support.

They looked at Liz, who despite the dim lighting in the cave, was slowly turning pink. 

“Oh my god, it’s a  _ sex _ thing,” Isobel moaned. 

Maria snorted, and Alex assumed it was likely that she already knew this. She and Liz shared a lot. He'd try not to think about whether or not Michael had shared this with Maria. Things were hard enough. But maybe, since Michael had reacted with distaste at the idea, they hadn't done that together.

Rosa put a hand over her mouth. “Is it Liz?” 

“It was romantic!” Liz answered defensively.

She turned to Marcus, “But you can do it without leaving the hand print?” 

“I don’t leave one. I have never met any of us who can.” 

“It can’t be just a thing Max can do. Isobel left one on Rosa. You know.  _ Before _ ,” Liz gestured awkwardly.

Every person in the cave looked between Isobel and Rosa.

“She is not talking about sex, by the way,” Rosa clapped her hands together for emphasis. “Just to put that out there. Not that I would have been completely against that option.” 

Isobel’s mouth dropped open. 

“You were scary, but you’re gorgeous,” Rosa added. “I  _ have _ eyes.” 

“She _ has _ eyes,” Liz said at the same time. 

Marcus cleared his throat. “We do leave handprints if we use our powers to harm. Or kill. Is that what happened to you?” He turned to Rosa, who nodded. 

“Is the culprit here?” He looked at her. 

Rosa shook her head. “It wasn’t Isobel. It was someone who used Isobel to do it.” 

Marcus looked between them. 

“Has the culprit been punished?” Marcus asked Isobel quietly. 

She nodded.

“Good.” 

“Is that part of your job?” Michael asked. “Punishing those of us that do something wrong?”

“In a way. Chambers’ team focuses on finding aliens. Getting them help. Getting their powers under control if that power makes them inherently dangerous. Reintroducing them to human culture. Finding them housing. Dealing with them if they have sociopathic traits. Incarcerating them if they can’t be controlled, but only if they are like this Noah you dealt with.” 

Alex thought about how it would have been helpful to have known that before Caulfield. But that was just as much his fault, since he’d never contacted Chambers about Caulfield, well honestly, because he’d expected it to not produce any valuable information. If he had, if he hadn’t gone off without a better plan, he might have been able to save them all. 

It was just another thing for Alex to atone for.

Isobel gestured towards Max’s pod, “He killed Noah. Noah married me under false pretenses, and he’d been controlling me since I was 17. He was obsessed with Rosa. He killed about twenty people over a ten year time period. Using me some of the time. He took over my mind and controlled my body to do it.” 

Marcus looked at her with approval, “You are a strong woman.” 

Isobel shook her head and tilted it up, “I know.” 

“Marcus, how did I not know this before?” Alex asked him.

Marcus shrugged, “Your dad. I would have brought you on board a long time ago. So would Chambers. We needed to make sure that Jesse wouldn’t be a problem.”

“He’s always a problem,” Michael interjected. 

“Yeah, that whole torture thing gave that away pretty quickly,” Marcus deadpanned. 

Liz clapped her hands together. “Look, we have to get started. We can discuss all of this once we get Max back.” 

Isobel sat down on the cave floor, since the other chairs were taken by Maria and Rosa. The three women looked between each other before Isobel shook her head. She had changed a lot since Noah, even in ways Alex could see though they didn’t know each other well. 

Maria leaned over and squeezed her shoulder, “This will work. Have faith.” 

Isobel smiled sadly. “I’m trying. But faith is hard to come by these days.” 

Rosa reached out and held up her chin, in the same way Maria always did, a habit that both of them learned from Mimi. “I don’t blame you. I know you don’t believe that. But it’s true.” 

Alex watched them quietly. 

“How could you not?” Isobel said wetly, as she wiped a tear from her face. “I was horrible to you even when I was myself.” 

“So you were a mean girl,” Maria dismissed. “I only hated you because Rosa did, but I never knew why. But now, I do know why. And even mean girls deserve a second chance.” 

Isobel laughed, but then she looked up at Rosa seriously, “If you need anything, please call. I’m not going to try and force you to interact with me. But I would love to get to know you. The real you that I never got to see. Sometimes, I don’t know what part was me and what part was him.” 

“We’ll figure it out,” Maria touched her shoulder. “All of us. We aren’t going to let you do any of this alone.” 

Alex stopped listening to give them some privacy then turned his attention to Liz.

“What is the plan here, and can I help?” Marcus asked as Liz finished creating the silver solution that they’d need to get through the barrier of the pod.

“This serum is supposed to boost their powers,” Liz said as she glanced over to Isobel and Michael. “Can you help do that?” 

“Probably. I can channel energy. I can’t do anything about healing him though.” 

“We have that part handled with this,” she waved a syringe in front of him. 

“Is it safe?” Alex asked. 

“Yes. We tested some on Michael and he had a significant increase in his TK radius. And after five hours, which is when Isobel began getting sick, there was no sign of side effects.” 

“Okay, let’s do this then,” Isobel stood and dusted off her pants. 

Michael stepped towards her, “I can.. If you don’t want to. You know, because of what happened the other time.” 

Isobel touched her hand to his face and kissed his cheek, “You’re sweet. But I’m fine. If this serum tries to kill me, then we have the pods right here. I’ll be safe.” 

“Okay,” Michael put a hand over hers. “If that’s what you want.” 

“If you think I’m letting you get all the credit for bringing him back, you need to think again.” 

Michael laughed and then turned to Alex. 

He walked over and squatted in front of him, “Can we talk later? And I mean talk. Not argue,” he asked softly. 

Alex nodded, then cupped his cheek in the same place Isobel had. “Be careful.”

Michael cleared his throat, “Look, I know that it’s shitty to do this now. I should be doing this when we don’t have an audience and I’m not on a time limit.”

Alex tilted his head slightly to the side and smiled, “What is it, Michael?”

“I love you. I want you to know that in case something goes wrong and the same thing happens to me that happened to Max. I lied to you before. I’ve never stopped loving you.” 

Michael pulled Alex’s hand away from his cheek and pressed a kiss to his palm. 

“I love you, too,” Alex whispered. “And I knew you were lying. You’re not very good at it.” 

Michael snorted, “Yeah, I know.” 

Alex leaned forward and kissed him. Then he pressed their foreheads together. 

“You’ve got this.” 

“I’ve got this,” Michael whispered. “Right. Okay.” 

Michael walked up to Liz and allowed her to inject the serum. Isobel went second. 

Marcus stepped forward and placed one hand on them both. He closed his eyes in concentration, and Alex leaned forward in the chair. 

He knew that Kyle was prepping in the background for anything that he might need to help Max. 

The atmosphere was silent. Maria and Rosa had their hands over their mouths. 

Liz’s gaze was calculating. 

She dipped her hands into the silver and then into the pod. 

Max’s lifeless body flopped out, and both Michael and Isobel bent down to touch him. 

Marcus looked at the pod curiously and then dipped his own hand into the silver. He put his hand inside the pod and closed his eyes. He then touched Michael with the other hand. 

“Try it,” Marcus snapped, and the sound carried through the silence. 

Michael placed his hand on Isobel and one on Max. 

They focused, and after a few short moments, they both began to yell, and brilliant red light emanated from their hands. 

Marcus dipped his head tiredly, “Keep going.” 

Michael and Isobel continued to heal, and Alex’s eyes flipped back and forth between them. 

He realized what Marcus was doing. He was channeling the energy of the pod into Michael, who was then channeling it through Isobel as well.  The pod contained the ability to keep the aliens in stasis when sick, so some sort of regenerative energy was being used. 

Marcus was simply stealing some from the pod for Michael and Isobel to borrow temporarily. He wasn’t healing. He was just providing the conduit for them to access the healing abilities that were already present in the pod. 

Alex hoped it worked. 

After a few moments, Alex couldn’t help but wonder if it would.

Michael screamed as his hand stopped glowing, and Isobel fell to the side, exhausted. 

But then Max coughed. 

“Max!” Liz yelled as she tried to reach him, but Kyle stepped in front of her. 

“Max,” Kyle called. “Can you hear us?” 

Kyle began working on basic CPR that he’d modified to work on the aliens. 

Michael crawled towards Alex, who moved out of the chair awkwardly and pulled Michael into his arms where he collapsed on the cave floor. He was conscious, but just barely. Alex pushed curls from his eyes and spoke to him softly. The words didn’t matter, as far as Alex was concerned, as long as Michael knew that he was there. 

Alex glanced over to find Isobel being tended to by Maria, and Rosa had tears in her eyes. 

Max hadn’t spoken, but it looked like Liz wasn’t going to let go of him anytime soon.

“He’s unconscious, but breathing,” Kyle concluded, “you did it!” 

Isobel waved off the acknowledgment, “Yeah, yeah. I need a drink.” 

Maria laughed softly and hugged her, “We can see about that when you’re feeling better.” 

“I always knew you weren’t fit to be a Manes.” 

Alex turned to see his father standing in the cave entrance. 

Behind him were a dozen soldiers, all heavily armed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How bad would it be if I said this might be a cliffhanger that lasts till the end of the week?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I meant to post my apology. I have been swamped with homework for graduate school, so that's why this chapter is late. Next week begins my next semester (because my school doesn't believe in breaks between semesters), and I'll have even less free time, so updates will come less frequently then.

“Round them up,” Jesse Manes snapped. “And don’t forget the Captain.” 

A few of the soldiers behind him looked hesitant, and Alex could work with that. If they didn’t fully believe in his father’s cause, they could be swayed to the other side. 

Alex looked around and assessed. 

Max was alive, but unconscious. Michael was barely able to move, and Isobel exhausted. 

Marcus was bent over, sick, but not passed out. Maybe the use of their powers only negatively affected those who were full alien. 

And then Marcus hit the ground. 

Okay. Maybe not. 

Maria and Rosa could fight, but he didn’t want them to have to do it. Liz was capable as well, but she needed to be there for Max to make sure they didn’t lose him again. 

Kyle was here, and Alex met his eyes. Kyle gave him an expression to confirm that he hadn’t worn a vest this time. After all, nobody was expecting to have to deal with guns. 

Alex gave him a tiny nod and then looked to his father. 

“Impressive work, Dad. Waiting for everyone to be out of commission before you come swooping in. Afraid of a fair fight?” Alex taunted. 

Jesse’s jaw clenched, but he said nothing else. 

Two soldiers came to Alex and lifted him to his feet. One kicked out at Michael to get him off Alex’s lap. 

Alex sighed. He really hadn’t wanted to have to kill someone. 

Once he was standing, the men shoved Michael over towards Max, and one soldier handed Alex a crutch to use. 

That could work. That one felt sorry for him. 

Michael was breathing, and coughing, and he’d thrown up after using so much power. He was in no condition to do anything right now, and Alex wouldn’t even try to ask him. 

Alex counted. He’d been wrong in his initial estimate. There were only ten soldiers with his father. Not a dozen. Better odds but not great ones. 

Kyle’s face was expressionless. Maria looked pissed. 

Rosa looked ready to kick someone’s ass.

“Take these back to the compound,” Jesse pointed at Maria, Rosa, and Liz. “Leave my son here.” 

Five of the men pointed their weapons at them, but Liz fired off some language and wrestled against the ones holding her. Maria pulled a face as she looked at the man holding Rosa, and Alex assumed she was trying to read him. And Rosa was kicking out at the soldier holding a gun on Maria. 

If the men weren’t armed, Alex would bet on his friends anytime. But they  _ were _ armed. 

“Maria,” Alex cautioned. “Liz. Go with them. They have Cams on our homes. They already know you’re human. You’ll be okay.” 

Rosa seemed confused, but then her face cleared. “Cameras. Right.” 

Alex could only hope they’d gotten the message, because the one who hadn’t given him the crutch had taken his Alex’s cell phone. 

The five soldiers who’d approached them forced the three women out of the cave. 

Alex glanced at Kyle. 

That left five of them and Jesse. Better odds. But still not great since Alex was unarmed and dealing with a broken leg. 

Alex glanced over to see Kyle press a button on his phone and slip it into his pocket. 

Jesse Manes stalked forward, “If only you’d joined me, Mr. Valenti.” 

“You killed my father. Why would I join you?” 

At that statement, and at Jesse’s lack of denial after it, a few soldiers behind his father looked aghast. They could make that work in their favor. If most of them were just following orders and weren’t of the ilk his father was made from, then they could be reasoned with. 

“It’s your legacy,” Jesse continued. “Your father forgot that, and he paid the price. But you won’t forget it, will you, Kyle?” 

“You son of a…” Kyle moved forward.

“Kyle,” Alex shouted. “Stand down.” 

If he provoked Jesse enough, then his father might realize what was going on and find Kyle’s phone on him. 

“Stand down?” Kyle whirled on him. “Your father  _ killed _ mine, and you want me to stand down?” 

Alex took a step forward, balancing his crutch in the dirt. “Yes. Stand down. We’re outnumbered here.” 

Kyle looked at him, confusion on his face. 

“You finally going to finish the job, Dad?” Alex smirked at his father. “The accident wasn’t enough, was it?” 

“You were never fit to be a Manes,” Jesse scoffed. “No matter what I tried, you just never learned.” 

“Oh, I learned a lot,  _ Dad _ ,” Alex mocked. “I learned that fifteen years ago, there wasn’t a physician in town who wouldn’t cover for you whenever you beat me half to death. I learned that waterboarding is classified as a form of torture because of the way it suffocates you, makes you feel like you’re drowning. I _ learned,  _ from _ you _ Dad _ ,  _ that you can’t pour the water constantly, or your target actually _will_ drown. But if you do it every few minutes, giving your target the chance to breathe, I  _ learned _ that they get hopeful that you’ve finally stopped and the torture is over. But then I  _ learned _ that it’s not. That the torture is never over.” 

Alex stepped towards his father. “I learned a lot, Dad. You taught me that you could make my brothers hate me enough to torture me for you. I  _ learned _ how to hold still when Adrian broke my ribs, so that I didn’t give him the pleasure of seeing me break. Where is dear old Adrian now, Dad? Did you leave him in charge?” 

Alex knew where Adrian was. Or at least where Alex hoped his brother was.

Jesse snarled, “You know where he is. You ran him over when you escaped. He’s in the hospital.” 

Alex paused and mock-gasped in shock, “Oh did I? So sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to hurt your favorite. But he meant to hurt me, didn’t he? He meant it when he taunted me that he would take my prosthetic and leave me to die.” 

Alex had dreams about his escape from them. About his torture.

“You meant it when you left me to die, didn’t you, Dad? You meant to kill me, all because I took your project away from you. You ran me off the road. You shot me. And then you stomped on my shoulder for good measure.” 

Alex heard Kyle gasp, and he heard Michael cursing behind him, but he didn’t look away from his father. 

“You should have died overseas!” Jesse shouted. 

“What, and give you the satisfaction?” Alex yelled. “Your hatred of me is what got me through the surgeries. It got me through my physical therapy. When I learned how to walk again, it was because of  _ you _ . Because I wanted you to see me walk again and realize that you didn’t win!” 

Jesse pulled out his weapon and pointed it at Alex. 

“Alex,” Kyle warned. 

“Don’t worry, Kyle. I’m a civilian now. He wouldn’t kill me in front of them. He has to be able to deny being here.” 

“These men follow me, son. They are loyal.” 

“That’s not loyalty. You can’t be loyal to someone who would turn on you at a moment’s notice. Did you give them that little speech? About how you will protect your own but you will not allow subordination. That you will not allow them to be anything else than what you’ve chosen them to be? Adrian and Flint just ate that up. Forrest didn’t. And I couldn’t. But it wouldn’t have mattered if I’d followed everything you’ve ever told me to do. You would still hate me. Let me assure you, that no matter what happens today, I choose them. Their side.” 

“Look at them,” Jesse pointed at Max and Michael. "They aren't like us."

Alex looked around to find Isobel no longer slumped on the ground. She was sitting up but not attracting attention. Either Jesse didn’t know what her power was or he didn’t care. 

Knowing Jesse, he would consider only Max and Michael to be threats. 

“You're right about one thing. They aren't like _you_. They’re better men than you are,” Alex said firmly. “They always have been.” 

“They are invaders. They don’t understand our beliefs. They only want war and destruction.” 

“You’re the one who wants war. And this isn’t about them. What you did to me wasn’t about Guerin or Evans. It was about  _ me _ . It was because I was a loose end. I took something away from you, and you had to punish me for it. But look, Dad,” Alex gestured at his body, “I didn’t have the decency to die. Again.” 

One soldier behind Jesse moved slightly. His face was blank. 

Then he put his weapon down and kicked it towards Isobel. 

“Master Sergeant Manes,” the soldier snapped. 

“What is it?” Jesse turned to him. 

A second soldier walked briskly forward and wordlessly surrendered his weapon to Alex. 

He turned and walked out of the cave. 

Isobel vomited again and slumped to the side, and Alex knew she’d done all she could. Somehow, she’d had enough stamina to handle two of them, and Alex would have to take her on a shopping spree as repayment. He owed her. 

Then Jesse turned the gun on Michael, “This one is the one with your same perversions, isn’t it?” 

Michael was struggling to stand. Max was still out cold. Marcus still unmoving. 

Alex raised the weapon the soldier had given him. “Don’t do it.” 

“Why not? If the only thing shooting that thing does is hurt you, then it will be worth it,” Jesse growled.

“You pull that trigger, and I  _ will _ kill you,” Alex said firmly. 

“You are not enough of a Manes to follow through with that threat.” 

Two other soldiers stood down and turned to Jesse. “Sir, this is getting out of hand.” 

Jesse turned to them. “You don’t deserve to be a part of my team.” 

He shot both men, and they slumped to the floor. 

The last soldier stood speechless.

Kyle darted forward to help, but then Jesse pointed the gun at him. “You really have to stop trying to play God.” 

“I’m trying to save lives,” Kyle argued. “Just let me help them. They aren’t a part of this.” 

“ _ Everyone is a part of this _ . This is an invasion, and if you aren’t against it then you’re working  _ for it _ . You want these _ things _ to be able to take over our country. You want to give them aid and help create jobs for them. You want them to live alongside us. You want to give them the power to hurt us," his father's fury nearly had him foaming at the mouth.

“The only one trying to hurt people is you,” Alex limped forward, one arm on the crutch and one holding the gun. “It’s over, Dad.” 

The soldier behind Jesse stowed his weapon and nodded at Alex. 

There was a commotion of sound at the entrance to the cave, and Sheriff Valenti came in with her gun drawn, “Put down the guns, boys.” 

Jenna entered with her own gun drawn and smirked at Alex. “Got your message.” 

There were a few deputies behind them. 

Alex smirked back and then looked at his father, “You need to stand down. You’ve shot two of your own men. You tried to kill me. You’re under investigation for keeping a government project going despite being told to shut it down, and you’ve been funneling money in to keep it going. You’re going to go to prison for a long time, Dad.” 

“You have nothing.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Manes.” Sheriff Valenti snapped. “My son is very clever.” 

Kyle preened. 

Alex shook his head. “Give it up, Dad.” 

“Not until these threats are dealt with,” Jesse growled. 

Then he pulled the trigger. 

Michael slumped to the ground, blood flowing from a wound in his abdomen. 

So Alex put four bullets into Jesse Manes. 

Then he tossed the gun to the side. He turned to Sheriff Valenti with his hands held up.

“Help him, Kyle.” 

Kyle looked between Michael and the soldiers on the other side of the cave, but then he dove to the ground to press against Michael’s wound. 

Jenna joined him, “I called for back-up.” 

“He can’t go to a hospital,” Kyle said softly, only loud enough for Jenna and Alex to hear.

“Alex Manes,” Sheriff Valenti said with disapproval. “You should have left it up to us.” 

“With all due respect, Sheriff, I’ve been leaving him up to other people my entire life, and I’ve almost died because of it.” 

She nodded with acceptance but sighed as she pulled out a set of handcuffs. “We do this by the book.” 

Alex nodded and held out his hands. “If you cuff me, I can’t use my crutch to get to the car.”

“Goddammit, Alex,” Sheriff Valenti sighed. “Get him to the car.” 

The male deputy behind her moved to do her bidding. 

“He better be okay, Kyle.” Alex said as he was forced out of the cave. 

“Mom, come on. This was at least self defense,” Alex heard Kyle argue. 

Alex saw Liz, Maria, and Rosa pull in next to the Sheriff's vehicle. They were dusty and Rosa had blood on her cheek, but they looked otherwise whole and safe. Liz had a great right hook, so Alex would hate to see what the soldiers looked like.

“Kyle Manuel Valenti, I’m the Sheriff. You’re a doctor.” Sheriff Valenti's voice rose.

“Jesse Manes killed Dad!” He heard Kyle shout.

“If that’s true, then we’ll prove it. But I can’t just look away when a crime may have been committed. If Alex is innocent, then he will be let go.” 

Alex huffed as he made his way to the car because he’s never been  _ innocent _ . 

"Go help them. Don't worry about me," he said firmly when Rosa came to a stop in front of him. 

"What happened, Alex?" Maria said, shocked. 

"Go. They need you," Alex nodded towards the cave as the Deputy pushed his head down to help him into the back of the cruiser.

Didn’t it just figure. This town. 

Jesse Manes spent a lifetime abusing Alex and trying to kill him. 

Jesse spent a lifetime torturing people for being different and using aliens, people he saw as beneath him, as fodder in his war. 

But _ Alex _ was the one going to jail. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so... the grad school semester from hell is over. I spent most of my free time reading fics instead of writing (when I wasn't doing homework). 
> 
> Also... apologies are in order for this. But this little spiral thing is necessary.

Alex didn’t know how many nights Michael had spent in this cell, but he couldn’t imagine a more uncomfortable place. He’d been standing for a while because the cots to lie on weren’t manageable for someone with both a prosthetic device and a cast. It made him wonder about how facilities accommodated others with disabilities. 

“Alex Manes,” Sheriff Valenti approached and stood in front of him, hands on her hips and a frown on her face. “What the hell have you been trying to do?” 

Alex glared at her through the bars. 

He could understand why she could bend Kyle to her will, but Alex hadn’t had a mother in a very long time, so her look of disappointment didn’t faze him. He’d been on the receiving end of that look his entire life. Not even Mimi Deluca’s disappointed face could shake him. 

It’s not that he didn’t respect Sheriff Valenti, but Alex had never been all that close to her. 

Because he remembered. 

“Survive,” Alex answered her. 

That was always his goal. Survival had been his primary goal since he was ten years old.

Alex remembered being a scared kid that Jesse Manes hated, without ever understanding why, and he remembered Mrs. Valenti’s looks of discomfort whenever she caught sight of another bruise or another black eye. He’d always thought that she and Jim Valenti had done what they could to protect him when he was a kid, but now he wasn’t sure. Sure, Jim had left him the cabin, but now that Alex knew about Jim’s involvement in Project Shepherd, he wondered if they had kept quiet about Alex’s abuse to protect themselves. 

It wasn’t a thought he enjoyed having, and he knew better than to ask about it. 

Kyle deserved to have at least one parent to continue looking up to. 

It seemed like now, looking back on his adolescence, there wasn’t anyone who he could have counted on. 

He’d thought it back then, had assumed he was just an afterthought to all the adults around him.

But he  _ knew  _ it now. 

“What has he done to you, son?” Sheriff Valenti said softly, as if she were just talking to herself instead of directing the question to Alex. 

He shrugged, “Turned me into a real Manes man.” 

Growing up as a “Manes man” had always been… almost  _ stigmatizing _ for him. He had never been enough for his father. Everything from the way he spoke to the way he walked to the way he stood firm in the face of his father’s wrath… it all just made Jesse Manes hate him even more. They psychological warfare had been the worst. His father’s goal had always been to wear him down and force him to hate himself with all the fury and intensity that Jesse had inside him. And Alex had _ let _ him do that, for so many years. 

And Alex’s brothers? They could never see in Alex what they saw in themselves… clones of their father in both their looks and at times, their actions. 

They may not have outright hated Alex the way his father had. But they never tried to love him either. 

And his mother. Well, his mother had left him. What more could he even say about that? 

It wasn’t at all surprising to him that he’d latched on to the Deluca and Ortecho families so firmly and so unconditionally when he was growing up. It was equally as unsurprising to him that he’d never been as close with the Valentis. Despite Jim’s attempts to show Alex that people could be different than what he’d expected, he had constantly wondered, all through his teens, when Jim would turn on him in the same way that Kyle had. He’d always told himself that it was just a matter of time. 

But the Delucas and the Ortechos were different. Despite everything they’d gone through in their own lives, they had enough love to spread around a few different states. 

Mimi Deluca had always as close to a mother as he’d had, but having her in his life had never,  _ not once _ , made him forget that his own mother hadn’t wanted him. Arturo Ortecho had always stood as a constant reminder that Alex would never get to have a father who was proud of him, just  _ because _ . Not because of his skill in waging war… but just because he existed. He would never have a parent love him with the fierce loyalty that Arturo wrapped around his daughters. 

No matter how often he’d spent time with them, he was always reminded of his status as an outsider. He wasn’t like any of them. And by his teens, he’d convinced himself that the only way to beat those who’d never loved him, to prove himself as inured to his father and his lack of affection, was to be as  _ unlike _ everyone else as possible. He always felt like an outsider, even in the small group of people he’d grown to love as a family. 

But it never seemed like their affection for him was as… deep. But it made sense to him once he’d grown up and realized what the problem was. 

_Alex was hard to love._

He had always been a charming combination of too much and not enough.

Too damaged. Too wrong.  


Too far away, both physically and mentally.  _ Too much like his father. _

Not open enough. Not lovable.  


Not brave enough.  _ Not enough like his father. _

It’s not that Alex didn’t recognize the problem. 

It’s that he's never known what to do about it. Doesn’t know how to fix it. He doesn’t even know if he can. 

And he was okay with that. 

Until Michael Guerin. 

Until Michael made him feel, for just a little while, that he could be that  _ someone _ .

Someone that  _ somebody else loves _ . 

Then, of course, his dad took that away too. 

Alex would laugh if it weren’t so goddamn tragic that Jesse Manes’ crusade to bend Alex to his will had the ability, had the scope, to take hundreds, maybe even thousands of  _ people _ , human and alien, down with him. 

Months ago, Alex had thought he'd beaten Jesse Manes.. And then his father had won again. 

He won the moment Alex pulled the trigger. 

Just like Alex had always feared. He was no better than Jesse Manes.

“Alex, thanks to a heart to heart talk I had with my son, I already know about the Evans twins and Guerin. Now tell me what happened. Your side of it. They’re all claiming it was self-defense. Was it?” She rested her hand on her sidearm. 

“Yes and no.” Alex gripped the bars and leaned into them to take some pressure off his aching limbs. 

“That’s not an answer.” 

“I don’t know what kind of answer you want. He shot Michael Guerin, so I shot him.” 

“Is it correct that he put you in this state?” She nodded towards his broken leg. 

“Yeah. But when is that a new thing? This isn’t the first broken bone he’s given me. But you know that, don’t you?” 

Sheriff Valenti flinched. “Alex.” 

“No big deal, Sheriff. Just like always, I had to handle it myself.” 

“One of your former commanding officers is on his way here,” Sheriff Valenti said firmly. “Will I get more answers out of him.” 

“Not about this, you won’t,” Alex answered. 

“There is also a Marcus who wants to see you, and Guerin, of course.” 

“Is he okay?” Alex’s voice was trembling, and he hated it. “I haven’t been able to talk to Kyle since you confiscated my phone.” 

“Yes, he’s fine. I believe my deputy, who has apparently been dead for months, was able to heal him once he was no longer exhausted from being resurrected.” 

“It sounds surreal when you say it out loud, doesn’t it?” 

Sheriff Valenti snorted quietly. “That’s one way to put it.” 

“Will I be allowed to see them?” 

“You have a brother outside who wants to see you as well.” 

Alex stiffened. “Which one?”

“Flint. He seems to think you need some back up. Wouldn’t give me details.” 

Alex scoffed. “Right.” 

He might not fully trust Flint, but Alex did have to admit that it was more likely that Adrian would want revenge. 

Why couldn't his father have just taken the deal Alex had given him? Leave town. Get out of Alex’s life. Get away from Roswell. Take the transfer? 

“Alex?” 

Ignoring her, Alex gripped the bars harder and shook them in frustration. 

Why did Jesse Manes always have to force his hand in ways that left Alex never knowing whether a decision was made for himself or for his father? Why did he feel like Jesse’s ultimate goal had been to force Alex into killing him? To turn him into a real Manes man. Why did it always feel like Alex’s only way out was something he had never wanted to do in the first place. 

Alex could just roll his eyes at his own naivete. 

Alex had actually believed that he’d won, and he’d tried to tell Michael that. He’d tried to show Michael that Alex had changed, that he wasn’t scared anymore, that he finally felt worth Michael Guerin’s love. 

That he finally felt worth  _ anybody’s _ love. 

He should have known. 

He had been deluding himself that there was ever a chance for him, for them, to be more than what they’d always been. 

Even with his father dead, Alex would never be the same. He would always wonder about himself. He would always see Jesse when he looked in the mirror. He would always look at Michael and wonder when he’d realize the truth, that Alex _ was _ the worst thing that happened to him. 

“Alex,” Sheriff Valenti interrupted. 

No wonder Michael had said Alex was a crash landing. Even though he knew Michael hadn’t meant for him to hear it that day, he hadn’t taken it back. Even apologizing for saying Alex was the worst thing to happen to Michael hadn’t really convinced Alex it wasn’t true. 

Alex _ was _ a crash landing. 

Alex was _fear_. 

Alex was silence during a time when what Michael needed was something to drown out the entropy. 

Alex had never known how to love Michael, the way Michael needed it, because Alex hadn’t even been shown how to love at all. 

Michael deserved love. 

Maybe it was time for Alex to admit that he  _ didn’t. _

“Alex,” Sheriff Valenti barked. 

“What?” Alex shouted. 

“Your father isn’t dead.” 

God. Fucking. Dammit. 

Alex stepped back an d breathed deeply. 

Focused. 

He closed his eyes and cursed inwardly. 

Nothing was going to change. That bastard would outlive all of them.   


Alex  _ would always _ be linked to Jesse Manes. Alex would always be someone so stymied by fear that he sometimes couldn’t say the things he wanted to say. Alex would always be someone who didn’t know how to love in a way that didn’t cause someone pain. 

Who could love someone like that? Who could love someone like Alex?

Alex didn’t even love himself. 

After all, he was a Manes man.


End file.
